Tuesday, May 23, 2006
it gets harder the later it gets
its kinda late, and usually at this time i'd jus come back from our dates and head straight to bed after i've called him to make sure he's on his way home. it jus seems so weird not having to do that, or seeing him on a weekday. its so much harder not to think of him at night, and you don't really want to bother other ppl cos they are probably resting or sick and tired of hearing me out.
in either case, i've got to put up a brave front so that they'll not worry. i got to tell u, its really tough. so at night, when u don't have to pretend to be ok and cheery, and when natural you comes out, all the emotions come out as well. wistful, lonely, tired, but u can't sleep, sad, guilty, full of regrets, lost, heartache, and thinking back about the not-so-past past.
deep down, pessimistic me is constantly at work..will he be mad at me for thinking abt him? will he be ok? how is he feeling? will we ever be happy? as friends? wats our destiny? why did i do wat i did and cause this pain? retribution? it does seem tat all this was my fault. why didn't i see it coming? would things have been different then? will i get over him? has he gotten over me? why am i always so insecure? will he think i'm not giving him space if i message him on msn or sms? will he start hating tat i keep bugging him? if i accidentally still call him honey is tat ok with him? or does tat make him uncomfortable?
why do i have so many questions? i dunno myself. maybe insecure me also is taking an active part in all this. plus lovesick me, worried me, and a whole host of other 'me's are most unfortunately still at work. sometimes i do feel happy tat we are getting somewhere, but at times like now, its gotta be classified as a Grade A Shitty feeling.
but one side definitely hasn't surfaced. and tat is angry me. somehow she hasnt been around, cos maybe she knows tat she isn't needed and decided to take a break. just as well i guess..some parts of me have got to take a break, right?
its all so complicated isn't it? WHoever up there is on duty tonight, please help me get through the nights easier..i need all the help (divine or otherwise) i can get.
in either case, i've got to put up a brave front so that they'll not worry. i got to tell u, its really tough. so at night, when u don't have to pretend to be ok and cheery, and when natural you comes out, all the emotions come out as well. wistful, lonely, tired, but u can't sleep, sad, guilty, full of regrets, lost, heartache, and thinking back about the not-so-past past.
deep down, pessimistic me is constantly at work..will he be mad at me for thinking abt him? will he be ok? how is he feeling? will we ever be happy? as friends? wats our destiny? why did i do wat i did and cause this pain? retribution? it does seem tat all this was my fault. why didn't i see it coming? would things have been different then? will i get over him? has he gotten over me? why am i always so insecure? will he think i'm not giving him space if i message him on msn or sms? will he start hating tat i keep bugging him? if i accidentally still call him honey is tat ok with him? or does tat make him uncomfortable?
why do i have so many questions? i dunno myself. maybe insecure me also is taking an active part in all this. plus lovesick me, worried me, and a whole host of other 'me's are most unfortunately still at work. sometimes i do feel happy tat we are getting somewhere, but at times like now, its gotta be classified as a Grade A Shitty feeling.
but one side definitely hasn't surfaced. and tat is angry me. somehow she hasnt been around, cos maybe she knows tat she isn't needed and decided to take a break. just as well i guess..some parts of me have got to take a break, right?
its all so complicated isn't it? WHoever up there is on duty tonight, please help me get through the nights easier..i need all the help (divine or otherwise) i can get.
thinking out loud at 11:36 PM
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