the play list is titled 'happy happy' and yet the same songs which cheered me up sound so sad and forlorn.

actually lots happened while i was away. the phrase 'when u away' somehow has been popping up quite a bit, and on my part, i did alot of thinking while i was away too. amazing how little pockets of time while travelling or sleeplessness can accelerate the thinking process =0)

i was jus thinking how me and others celebrated xmas with a big bang, lotsa noise, crowd, good fun, partying the night away, and was stuck by how i decidedly wanted to spend new yr in a quiet way. seems like i'm not the only one. but i wondered if its cos we're ageing haha or cos it seems more befitting of the occasion. its like cautiously greeting the new year with relief, tinged with some scepticism and unease.

actually i tink i know where the rainbow is. vaguely caught sight of it while thinking and observing stuff in viet. i'm just not too sure if i can have it, or if i even want it. but i tink i'll jus take my time and admire it from afar, and dream of its beauty and magic.

i tink the flu is making me less pensive and contemplative than i normally would be given how close we are to the new year.

wat with all them resolutions, solutions, permutations... confusions more likely i say....

BAH.

screw it, watever will be will be. even if things screw up (and they've screwed up quite a bit this year already) i tink i jus hope i have the strength to get back the smile and happy bubblyness in record time, time after time.

actually i dont really know wat i mean by i'm wishing for a better year ahead. cos i dont know how to define 'better' in terms of 'life' and i think that for every 'better' you get, it also comes with its fair share of 'worse'.

mabbe the 'worse-s' have been quite jialat..wat with the exorbitant medical bills i've somehow managed to chock up and suay-ness like having my supplier disappearing on me.

mabbe the 'better-s' are abundant everyday everywhere around me but unfortunately overshadowed like dark looming clouds blocking out the glint of the sun so you never get to see the tiny dew drops and snowflakes sparkle and scintillate.

i'm still looking for that rainbow, but i think i shld start keeping an eye out for those dew drops and snowflakes too.

i'm upset.

quite so. ok quite a big bit.

i mean i jus wanna like blade and play badminton and squash and jus exercise and dance and wat not but i keep getting into falls and accidents.. like wtf.. is it tat big a request.. why do i keep getting injured.. scraps..cuts..bruises i can deal with.. scar then scar la.. but sprain? dislocate? all right side somemore.. wats next.. fracture?? worse???

so did i bring it on myself? i suppose. serve me right lor.. sick still wanna go blade.. still dun listen and stick to cycling.. i'm kinda angry and frustrated. wat with being sick and all the emotional offloading the past weeks and now tis.. wah lau damn sian la.

actua;;y i dun really noe why i'm so upset. but i am and i jus wanna cry. and actually i dun even noe wat i'm crying about. for me? for those i've been listening to? i duno. mabbe i cant accept the fact tat i have limitations.. serves as a painful reminder tat there is only so much i can do..or cant do in my sad sorry state now. indulge me in these moments of self pity will you?

the cynic says she cant wait for tomorrow..to see wat mishaps will come around.. i know this pales in comparison to alot of other bad things happening to otehr ppl.. so...i guess i sh;d stop whining.

i could use a hug.