regret -
one thing i regret not doing this mth is picking up cooking fr my gran. no one else in the family seems to cook like she does; no one else seems worried that her cooking may disappear when time comes!

limitations -
the fingers of my right hand are crampy and they feel arthritic. it hurts when i try to open my hand fully. i attribute it to writing more so in 1mth than i have in 4yrs, and is exacerbated by my racket sports. random: exacerbate reminds me of the pope and his ridiculous statement of condoms exacerbating the problem of AIDS. wat nonsense. and it also reminds me of a new word i learnt the other day doing the paper - verisimilitudinous, or simply put, being real.

limitations, again -
i wish my nose would cooperate and stop running cos it clouds my mind which is actually feeling chipper and ready to go. i've a low threshold for annoying physical constraints which only serve to impede.

Lesson -
i was reminded this morning of a particular lesson my ex-chem tutor mr leong taught me - that the cleanest way of cleaning the floor is still wiping it with a cloth. no mop, no fanciful equipment, jus get down on your knees and wiping the damn floor.

and so i did. and this is surely adding on to the already aching shoulders, arms and legs from badminton and swimming.

i still tink ironing is therapeutic. and i really dont like washing dishes.

but i'll admit, wiping floors spotless is gratifying.


Accomplishment -
so the other day my fren was reminding me not to slack (timely warning and i deserve that - thank you!) and he said i gotta study hard otherwise what would i have accomplished and what have i to show when i get back to work if i dont pass? that got me tinking, and my answer was and will be that, well, i tink i accomplished alot this couple of weeks, even if these are more intangible than results ever will be.

i've spent time with myself, getting out of the negatives that work was putting me under, spent time with family and getting reacquainted with my cousins; din see many of my regular bunch(es) of friends but got back in touch with others i normally wouldnt have; picked up swimming; polished (polishing) up badminton footwork; started reading philosophy (which i and starting to love); familiarised with stuff i hate (physics la wat else) and am sorta getting the hang of it tho not well enuff to do very well in the exam; decided that material things and wealth are really not my priority in life even tho i could really really do with some spare cash now; took time to see hte world slower, closer; watched people and how they interact (dynamics can be so fascinating); discovered that i really learn best when i dont tink too much and just do it; and generally just bits and pieces here and there, that surprise you even if they were normal everyday things you'd failed to notice previously.

these 2 mths of not having any income have proved to be more fulfilling than the last 3yrs at work. and i'm glad i decided to just heck it all and take the leave anyway. even if i dont pass, no regrets, really.

faith -
finally, a lil note to someone, sth i forgot to say last night ^^

life's hard, it really is. so the most impt thing to me right now is to walk this path happily, and willingly going thru watever shit tat comes ur way. all the other nonsense that doesnt leave u feeling like u deserve it or doesnt contribute to future/overall happiness? totally not worth ur time at all. just stick ur toes (esp since ur toe so big, shld be even easier) out of that box confining you, and the rest of the steps will come automatically.

have faith!

super tired after doing the damn mock paper. liews, not easy leh to stay focused 5hrs at a go.
results, ok la, can definitely be better, not as depressing as kaplan's. din do toooo badly for phy (surprise surprise). tutors, i'll show u the detailed analyses if u're interested. mcat is really quite meticulous, they show u exact % tat u got wrong, based on content (ie topics), difficulty, etc etc. any kind of analysis u want, u got it. *impressed*

time to recharge the brain, tom got badminton! sporty week ahead, shiok. oh i meant, mugging week ahead, ganbatte eheh

me cannot wait to play eh! and i'm pleased with the progress of Project X. excited!

nites and i jus gotta say i can get used to not waking up at 8 on monday mornings. =0))

this time next wk i'll be getting more brown at the pool session and honestly speaking i cant believe a mth has just zipped past me.

and with even greater honesty, i'm dreading going back to work, cos it sucks to go back to something you dont like doing. i'm not even certain when my official last day is going to be. coupled with everyone getting big bonuses, lets jus say demotivation is at an all time high.

nonetheless, perseverance! faith, hope and by virtue of fate and luck.

anyways the cousin and i had a good time after studying last night. was damn sian cos everyone else was probably partying and having fun whilst we were starved at 9pm and didnt wanna head straight into the crowds. so decided to skip the jam at cte and headed towards serangoon, and then spontaneously decided to check out mustafa, somewhat forgetting there were also crowds there, jus that they were darker eheh. but ya la skip cte jam, end up jam at syed alwi. but we had a good feast at muthu's curry, and overate as usual, with fish head curry, sambal squid, chicken kebab, naan basket and my fave pappadam. damn shiok. then we did some 24-hr shopping, and ended up with *drumroll* 2 tiny sample bottles of shampoo each. hehe. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF RETAIL THERAPY. as mymy succinctly puts it, 'retail therapy...even my hair looks good today.'

speaking of mich, something happened earlier which reminded me of something else she said. so i was at some spa getting a massage and somehow..... ended up chatting with the therapist abt her home, family, life etc etc. at the back of my head, mich's voice was ringing, 'you know ah, out of all my frens, only you and wm have this ability to get ppl talking about their families.' and so i learnt abt shanghai, jiangsu, the strawberry farm behind her home, why she chose to come here, interesting stuff. oh and canuf, apparently tianjin has damn alot of good xiao chi, and the fruits are seasonal so if u go during winter, eat the xue li, and inautumn (i tink), eat the huang tao (yellow peach). bring some back!

my mother's been giving me shit for gg diving. its annoying and i'm still going no matter what so i shall just close both ears.

sigh massage was so shiok i wanna zz. and its abt to pour, perfect weather! cept i'm 1/4 way thru the full paper. which isnt as bad as the kaplan one i did. kaplan did warn that those were the hardest practise questions. i hope they're right!

i dont remember his exact words but nuf went something like, 'aiyoh shuyun, why always lidat? why u cannot find someone who meets u right in the middle?'

welllllll. i duno too. either way, it seems to be a case of wat i term as 'the ones i like and the ones who like me are totally diffrerent ppl'.

no fate ba?

anyway thanks to mr heng i've got a comme des garcons tee, FOC, all the way from the land of the rising sun. wooohoo! and yes la i can wear, u got good judge of size. heng ah. hehe

geylang wanton mee rocks too. esp when the stall's name happens to be your surname.

and i actually wish he'd stop messaging, jus when i'd shelved him away from all cognitive processes. dont do this to me. u dont do this to friends, why do it to me?

CMI.
so blur i did something really loser.
headed to remove my makeup, proceeded to rinse my lens case forgetting that i was wearing specs the whole day, then tried to take off lenses that obvioulsy werent there.
i literally flushed a new pair of contacts down the drain!
TMD!!!!

total family day yest.
bumped into the uncle (paternal side) whilst studying at spinelli's and had a nice tea break catching up.
met the cousin (maternal side) to carry on studying.
had dinner with mom, cousin and conveniently gave up my sharksfin to my tutor. (herb, lobster day still did the most damage tho hehe)
then we were discussing mm and his bilingual policy. interesting conversation over dinner. and a relatively enlightening session on torque. i still dont quite geddit but nmind.
concussed 12-ish, refused to wake up til 1130 tho we were supposed to be studying by then.
i'm a spinelli's fan now btw. boycotting coffeebean, sick of starbucks, spinelli's got great staff, heathy food (aka soup and salads), a nice quiet place with no jarringly annoying music. and near my hse! me like!
oh and the new buangkok kpe exit is rather cool. so fast! tho it'd be even faster if u were allowed to go above the damned 70km/hr. or put some nice scnery/painting/huge aquariums(?) in the expressway so u can cruise and enjoy the scene. eh then again tat might cause accidents. ok nmind.
and despite not being on melatonin, i'm in a stupor today. *bleary blurry*

oh and the last installment of mcat texts just came in the mail today. i was mildly disturbed by the editor's note that premeds usually take at least a year to study (not ace, jus to study) for the exam. my one mth suddenly feels very inadequate. one yr!

bah. fortitude! i wanna be a lazy nerd and go back to sleep. zzz. actually i jus dont feel like studying today cos i dun tink its gonna help so i'm gonna read my philo book and make myself feel smarter by attempting to be a critical reader. watever that means!

which is ending in 2 wks time, cept i doubt its really gonna be the end's end. i'm not as gan cheong as i was, kinda cos i've realised its impossible to master everything. i still struggle thru moments, fuss over nucleophilic reactions, worry about the entire endocrine system, breeze thru quantum numbers cos there is no way i'm gonna remember that, and give up reading up on history and instead focusing on barack obama going on jay leno. fail, then fail lor. and try again.

i kinda missed blogging properly. like, quietly, just writing and going on and on about my thoughts and feelings. i've been feeling detached from the world (read: social life = close to none!), havent been properly writing, being angsty, cos words now stump me and i tink of things in terms of molecular structure and equations (or 'relationships', as w puts it). so here i am in the dead of the night, even tho i promised myself i'd do the cinderella. apparently not.

realised a couple of things too. for one i've missed doing biological drawings. you know, nephron drawings, cell sketches, etc, so tats prob the most fun bit of mcat - literally going back to the drawing board and creating nice colourful annotated diagrams i can actually understand and feel happy reading.

also din realise how much i missed mars, til earlier in the day when i finally decided to use some perfume. scents are powerful memory invokers, right? absolutely. one whiff, and wow it just brought me back there.

i haent missed work, for sure. i tink part of why i havent been that upset or irritable is cos i havent been provoked by stupid ppl. no doubt 5 wks are meant for the exam, but its made me more certain i dont wanna go back there. i really have a low tolerance for stupidity and jppl who justare not using their brains.

been meeting lotsa strange ppl these few wks. random guys who'd talk to me at the stranges places, like the jamaican at the nlb, the odd uncle at the bus stop, the security guard who'd earlier asked me how my studying was and was somehow VERY convinced i'd do well, many other random encounters i dont remember now. its also been a great time catching up with ppl i havent met in a while, plus funerals, weddings, all so strange cos i havent really been meeting up with the ppl i used to meet up with when i was at work, and am instead spendng alot of time wiht ppl i dont usually meet, cousins included. which is a nice sorta feeling actually, sometmes u need something different to make a blase existence abit more erm.. spicy? but anyways the impromptu meetup with the original fags was also chicken soup for the soul. ppl who u can basically say anything and everything to and they're cool with it. so car, that explains why i squealed when u rubbed the bruise. cos tats basically my natural reaction and i'm comfy squealing but not when OTHER ppl are there. and yes, i'll definitely cook for you guys. in fact, i've BAKED for u guys b4. still kb over maggie mee!! tsk. ingrates!

was at mac earlier, and ended up half amused half irritated by this bunch of gays dressed to kill with shorts and fishnets, or tights and knee high boots. irritated cos i wanna study la! tok so loud! kaoz. amused cos they were DAMN bitchy and drama. no offense but i wonder why some of them are more girly then girls, more drama than divas, and wah liew eh damn bitchy can! even i dun bitch abt ppl lidat leh.. but the flair, the passion, RESPECT. but fwah their MAC palettes were damn nice, made me abit jealous cos my shu uemura eyeshadow pots clearly PALE in comparison. damnit. i need to buck up!

ok, this shld provide you with enough reading material for that 'break' you're supposedly on whilst in the office. so if u're still reading at this point, STOP SLACKING AND GO BACK TO WORK! yes you. i can smirk cos i'm on leave and you're not. =0p

ubiquity rocks.
and my knees hurt from the mega bruises i incurred fr badminton earlier today. din realise how much i missed the weekly psa badminton sessions til today.
realised how near arigin was to xilinx, and had a crazy but brief urge to fly over and ask for physics help, since i was almost tearing my hair out over moments.
story of the 4 fists - very interesting, almost makes me wish i had the 4 punches. then again, mabbe not. ouch.
its annoying, cos i do have (alot more interesting) things to blog abt, but i'm just too tired to remember wat i wanted to say.

anyway, came across this vid on someone else's page. had the album all along never realising how interesting the mtv was. i also like how the odd mix of background instruments ochestrate in a curiously intriguing manner.

1. unproductive day yesterday, unproductive day today. not to mention 2 consecutive late nights.
2. super moody. cos of the unproductive days. duno how to do physics again, just when i tot i'd started to get the hang of things.
3. also, super sian cos i miscalculated my finances. totally forgot to account for next mth. which gave rise to 2nd tots of diving and was the primary source of one of the sleepless nights. heng i've been living somewhat on oats. urgh jus remembered there's still income tax. bah.
4. then after i banished all 2nd tots and jus go ahead and do it, i find out other ppl are having 2nd thots. the selfish in me was saying, what other possible 2nd tots could they have? but then decided tat was just plain selfish.
5. abit fed up cos of the 'saga' going on btwn gran and her maid. like seriously, its making me wanna avoid them both for a bit. typical story, gran says the maid scolds her for like telling the doctor she's her maid. on the other hand, gran apparently isnt being very nice to the maid, stuff like she doesnt even like it when the maid wants to iron her own clothes. like huh, aiyoh pls la, there are more things to life than this!!
6. i cannot deal with discord and disharmony in the family. it upsets me. greatly. i feel absolutely uncomfortable and unsettled.
7. i miss school but i miss working.

cant sleep, so ended up clearing my messages and came across one which i'd kept but totally forgot the contents of. it went something like, 'okok i'll go sleep bdae girl.. i'll obey you for the next 23hrs :) sweetest dreams :)'. it also reminded me of a particular instance, there and then. that memory is here to stay, for certainty.

sweetest dreams to you, too. albeit a yr and a half late.

i surprised myself (and others too i tink) by not crying as much and as expected thru out Departures. added to my 2 neighbours who were sniffing, sobbing and using up all my tissue, it was just abit strange that i wasnt that affected.

dont be mistaken, i was very affected emotionally - just not the teary sort. cos to me, it seemed more of a celebration, rather than a cause for deep sorrow.

i loved the film, for its ability to showcase human dignity, right til the end, and in essence, the celebration of life, its closure, with death as just a gateway to the journey henceforth.

dignity, not defined by who you were (as a gender confused individual), or what state you landed up in (rebellious teenager killed pillion riding, or 2 wk old decomposing body), cos at the end of the day, when death stares at us in the face, its really about putting aside everything (reconcilliation, as keeve put it), remembering the person for who they were (i wont foret the scene where the dad thanked the morticians for showing him his boy's smile once more), acknowledging the difference they'd made (positive or otherwise), and thanking them for, well, being them. years of emotions, grudges, ill feelings that were harboured, simmered, accumulated, just melting away, into pure sorrow, and sometimes regret, but also relief and finally acceptance.

tis a celebration. a festival, of tears no doubt, but a time to come together, to celebrate and savour the moments where a candle burnt ever so brightly, flickered til its end, only to be lit up again, somewhere, yonder.

feeling very annoyed.
its not cheap, i'm not exactly very rich now that i'm unemployed, the least is to give some due respect.
i'm crabby, tired and tink that i'm not going to pass the exam. brain drain from physics n organic chem overload.
being a hermit doesnt help either, i'm really glad for my cousin.
bah to being an ESFJ!

today was marked by several conversations, all of which had their own meaning.
it started with a stranger striking up conversation with me while i was at hans, it hit me then how easy it was for me to converse with anyone, if i wanted to.
lunch with nuf was great. quality conversations are hard to come by, and i must say, canuf, today was a good (in-your-words) 'heart to heart'.
other conversations, with the cousin aka trusty study companion, with the starbucks baristas, covered other topics, which made me realise how important the human touch was, no matter how frivolous or insiginificant the topic.
the power, the freedom, the connection of speech and conversation.

oh and you know how, sometimes, a counter example is the best way to illustrate a point?

here's one.

was on the bus back, a girl got on the bus and sat next to me. i din see her board, but when she sat down i got the feeling it was my cousin. but she din say anything, and i tot it'd be rude to turn ard and stare esp if it were a case of mistaken identity. so i only confirmed when she alighted. reached home, 'confronted' her brother who happnened to be online, and i present to you a snippet of the conversation.

[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
tyx say you cut hair...
[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
haha
she say can't recognise you...
haha
yun says:
HAR
no i never cut
[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
ooo
[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
then she say you look really young that she can't confirm
[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
she saw you and purposely chose to sit next to you and felt that it's you but can't confirm
[00:10:40]
[ ♥ KING D.H. ♥ ]™ says:
that's the verdict

-_-
cousins.
oh and yeah, to conclude. the power of (un)conversations.

ireally really want and need to sleep but there's a weird guy upstairs making weird noises, short bursts of frustration punctuated by louder shouts that are somewhat animalistic in nature. like someone who's autistic and is frustrated and cant express himself cept in unintelligible fits of tantrums, all of which are rather jarring to the ear, and disturbing to listen to, especially in the dead of the night.

i've noticed he does this around 1 in the morning. and it seems cyclical. as in, its not every night he does this, more like once in a wk or 2.

i hope he gets better. he sounds tormented. that's not how life shld be lived.

1. the new car is damn shiok to drive in
2.i've wiped the car plates, go buy 4D. 8072. win liao split with me
3. studying is harder work than working. i wake earlier, sleep later.
4. i am abit afraid of burning out
5. i'm more worried about the essays than physics
6. there simply isnt enuff hours in a day!
7. i hope i survive swimming later
8. still aching fr the rather intense badminton session on mon, what with BOTH tl n w training my footwork n strokes.
9. discovering i like philo now tt i've gotta read for the essay.
10. so happie to see yennyenn this morning =0))
11. me n cousin are boycotting coffee bean. wat lunch time crowd?? at 3pm?? with at least 10 empty tables and no crowd in sight?? bah.
12. mifee rocks my world. i miss that alot, those mifee moments we shared.
13. had a really fab lunch with faye the other day at food for thot, which canuf didnt wanna join in.
14. contemplating starting on the oats thing again.
15. alone time is good. i treasure that. alot.
16. time to recharge!

ok so the saga continues.

1. after nlb, took a bus back to my house. din haf my ezlink, canuf said just put 90c la even tho i said it shld be at least 1.40.
2. got on the bus, put coins in, and followed canuf's instructions to lie.
3. bus driver looked at us suspiciously, and kept asking where we wanted to go.
4. finally buay tahan doing something illegal, so nuf went to put more coins in.
5. reached home.
6. shocked my mother.
7. headed off for mini golf.
8. viya scored 2 pts for something tat was par 4. and got so excited she screamed and jumped the house down.
9. following the screaming, a lil ang moh girl told her politely to shut up.
10. got fedup with the ball rolling backwards cos i was too gentle with it.
11. drove the wrong way to parkway.
12. ended up at parkway, queued damn long for bacon sausages.
13. bought too much food.
14. was looking around for dessert, saw yogurt and went to get some and turns out it was marc's shop! din noe he opened at parkway, so happie to see it.
15. ended up with the HUGEST tub of yogurt and were happily tucking in.
16. despite the rain and knowing very well we overbought food, we went to get Koi bubble tea. and kueh pie tee. and poh piah.
17. drove to marina barrage. got shoo-ed away from the carpark entrance.
18. made a ridiculously big detour, ended up at some dodgy construction site car park.
19. walked (marched) thru the rain with one brolly.
20. had our picnic!
21. toured the inside and took super alot of funny photos.
22. got a call from some weird place asking me wat time i'd be there. and i said 645.
23. realised we were gonna be late for our movie.
24. chiong-ed off and made it!
25. spent 2 hrs in screening room watching vicky christina barcelona. totally fascinated by the art done by penelope cruz's character.
26. called winson. decided to intrude on his date.
27. got another call, asking me wat time i'd reach. this time i deciphered it was from hotel puri. and it was them too earlier. just that i tot it was screening room calling me. =_=
28. went ktv-ing. watched viya's amazingly 'sao' performance. canuf did his andy lau thing, winson did qi chuang ge, both of which were amazingly well done.
29. nuf drove everyone back. me and viya fell asleep and didnt know ppl had alighted.
30. i am tired of typing.