Monday, July 31, 2006

=0(

rained so hard last night i woke up. then couldn't get back to sleep. and its still raining now! *sigh* to think i thot the sun was back up..

waiting for time to pass.gonna go to pertapis in abit cos the rabbits are sick and we're stepping in cos they are so sick they might infect humans. v sian one lor..give them rabbits, then in the end, the poor dears end up in this state. thot things were pretty ok and all tat. jus tat they were getting skinny. but now.. aiyah fed up. been thinking where else to house them..but i'm stuck at a dead end..any ideas? they really v cute and sweet leh.. cept they can be quite princess-y la. i hope they dont die.. =0(

its really cold now at my place..cos the wind is blowing at several hundred knots per minute. i hope its warmer where the rabbits are.. hopefully they didnt get wet during the thunderstorm.. but i have this feeling that they are.. aiyah at my wits end. argh. kao!! horrible leh!! #$&^%!@! pertapis was supposed to be my baby project.. heng i've got my colleagues to help otherwise.. i also dunno how.. its like company as an organisation wants to be socially responsible. but then, if company is so tied up with expansion and fire fighting, not much resources can be devoted to charity work. not esp when manpower here is virtually none. cos i believe in hands on, and not jus giving money or watever else. everyone can give money, but not everyone can devote the time and patience to really show whoever needs care and concern tat the world really isn't tat cold and cruel afterall. and tats really tough. not only do u have to give this concern, the other party has to be able to accept it and want it as well. and of course appreciate it so tat the giver can give more. otherwise the giver will feel discouraged and jus feel like giving up. like how i do. haiyah. dunno la. i have to think of a solution. fast.

thinking out loud at 8:42 AM 1 more thots


Sunday, July 30, 2006

nobody's home

jus got home..but can't quite sleep tho i'm super dead beat tired and seh fr the drinking and dancing.. hopefully blogging helps me sleep..

its amazing how i know so well the benefits of sleeping..yet i'm one of those unfortunate ones who suffer from insomnia. how sad. no amount of melatonin or sleeping pills seems to work. no amt of exercise, abstaining from caffeine loaded drinks, counting sheep etc helps. maybe i shld do some meditating? drinking? sing myself a lullaby? bah. watever.

it'll be daybreak in a bit..wonder wat the morning will bring? had a wonderfully fun time this weekend, tho i feel abit empty. no idea why, prob lack of sleep.. been thinking of going and doing some community work..shall do something abt it next week.. heard summer and parseley are sick..fr some infection tat seems quite bad.. why liddat...horrible leh they dun take good care of them one lor.. =0'(

thinking out loud at 3:55 AM 0 more thots


Friday, July 28, 2006

My firsts

I remember the first time I..


Do you remember the first time you...?

thinking out loud at 4:26 PM 3 more thots


Thursday, July 27, 2006

a first for everything

for the first time, i saw a real proper silver lining behind the clouds.

was really excited to see it, it covered quite a big area of the sky, almost as though the rays were dying to burst right through the dark clouds. yi asked me wat a silver lining meant..and i told her, it meant tat the sun was coming out again. can u see the rays radiating out?

so to commemorate the first time i see a real silver lining, i promptly left my wallet in the office for the first time... =_=' damnit man so paiseh had to ask me fren to pay for my cab, food and all tat. hahhaha but super full, from the choc fondue... apparently i had lost alot of weight.. got meh? my auntie also said the same thing.. was asking me abt my secret to weight loss..hahha

then got inspired by my 2 'firsts'.. so the next entry is dedicated to the firsts in my life...

thinking out loud at 9:38 PM 3 more thots


of birthdays and selling fish

Was brad's mom's bdae, so had to get her a present.. cos last yr we made something really nice for her, this yr also gotta match up to standard.. and she's got like everything liao.. so me somehow gave the idea of making her ai4 xin1 breakfast..

remind me not to think of such things anymore..the hassle of it!! sigh..buy the box la, buy the food la, wake up sooo early to wash and cook mushrooms..then come office to pack the sandwiches.. hahah but pinching food was fun la.

then after discovering tat it wasnt a cake, she faxed over a note, quite sweet of her, cos she was like thanking us for the card and food 'so lovingly prepared. i am very touched by all the smallest details down to the cute flowers on the box. i have a group of very caring and talented people.' quite sweet of her la, but brad was saying he didn't understand why his mom thot the sandwiches were so delicious. -_- men..

heh heh looks not bad right!! quite pro hor..check out my tomato toothpicks for the hammie rolls hahha. quite proud of our handiwork la.. then we discovered we had hired a new counter girl.. *dun kill me* hhahahahahha

anyway..was flippin thru cleo..and found this page!!! and guess who was featured in it!! US!!

ya la i know abit small, can barely see us but not the pt wor..hehehhe.

feeling abit out of sorts. saw the calendar and realised why. but shall stop it, think of work and work and work. then think of me, me and me. be selfish.

thinking out loud at 12:39 PM 1 more thots


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

why liddat..

discovered..tat i kinda like driving at night..

its like..one of the few places where i can be alone, and yet not feel alone. where i have some time to myself to think abt things, or jus not think abt anything.

so strange.

been hearing this hymm..over and over the past week. somehow it brought me comfort and made me peaceful. funny cos i dont believe in God as in jesus, or hindu gods, or wat (no offence ok?) but i do believe there is someone out there watching over us. The one who-would-affectionately-call-me-yunyun.

i mean..who is to say who god is anyway? if he is so almighty, how can us mere mortals be fit to even utter his name, lest of all imagine the things tat he has done or is capable of doing? but yet, there are miracles tat happen to us every day, coincidences which cannot be explained, little things tat occur which make u pause, and wonder, if there is something greater than great out there, up there.

i always asserted tat the diff religions are manifestations of the true Him or Her, or even It. i still believe in that, but sometimes i do wonder if i believe so cos i'm too tired or given up or am lazy to think of how to believe that only me has the power to change things. but tats the science/practical/logical side of me. the other part knows tat its not jus logic and reason.

cos..many a time, my intuition and dreams and feelings..have proven me right..time after time.. its almost like i can sense things..even before they can happen..and i can tell u..its scary..something tat i kinda fear.. cos most of these feelings i get are translated into real life, and they come true..but as bad things..sickness.. parting..even death.. it scares me. lots. cos i have no idea who or where it will happen. its like..sometimes u say, hah! i knew tat would happen! or ahh! u see! i knew it!! but hor..its not as simple as liddat..not jus a simple matter of hindsight.

like today..something not very nice happened..and it was something i sensed some time back jus tat i chose to ignore it.. i wonder if i shld have said something.. but as usual i dont say in fear (or hope?) tat it wont come true. *hug for you honey* familiar feeling of deja vu coming over me.. wish i could help.. but i know there isn't much tat i can do.. and tats always the case.. i know something bad wil happen, but can't do anything abt it. then wats the pt of having ths feeling right! kao.

really tired out..these few days have been so busy and packed with all sorts of stuff i haven't had time to even breathe heh. and i swear my eyesight is getting so bad fr reading all those damn journals..600 journals leh..jus on ginger! wah lau.. 600 x 7 - 600 x 2 (cos materials and methods i can't be bothered to read thru) = 3000 over pages leh..of severely small fonts, and even smaller captions on graphs waiting to be deciphered. i'm going blind. and my stupid thumb is still numb and pins-and-needle-y..aiyah why liddat..

thinking out loud at 11:17 PM 2 more thots


Monday, July 24, 2006

to You

Inspired by mr brown's I am.. been compiling it for sometime.. not quite complete tho its already quite a long post heh..but this is to all of you in my life..

-----------------------------

You are the one who accompanied me in a damn smelly toilet in school while I cried and read the newspapers on the SQ006 crash.

You are the one who gave me a guy teddy for vdae to accompany me in case I didn't have a date.

You are the ones who gave me all the soft toys I have, so I have something to hug wherever I am.

You are the ones who send me home at night. And you are the ones who insist on driving inside so I wont have to walk to my door.

You are the one who told me I made your day cos I made you smile.

You are the ones who spent so much time choosing flowers for bouquets for me. I am the one who loved every bunch of flowers cos I knew how much time and heart went into it.

You are the ones who sent me songs to cheer me up.

You are the ones who love my house so much you actually fell asleep here. I was the one who couldn't wake you up.

You are the one who brought me green tea cos you thot I'd be thirsty from all that crying.

You are the one with the fluorescent shoes i befriended the first day we were divided into our classes. You are also the one whom I made you hold the makeup box for me so tat you'd get ECA points.

You are the one who loved the makeup I did for you, and the hairstyle I created for you during our performances.

You are the ones who snuck out with me during school to take a neo print, and ended up getting caught by our Chinese teacher.

You are the one I shared ice lemon tea and chats after each PE lesson.

You are the one who taught me how to eat and appreciate chilli.

You are the ones who always borrowed my notes to copy cos they were the neatest and most complete. Somehow, you are also the ones who end up doing better during tests and exams haha.

You are the one who complained tat I'm selfish cos I can't do your nails as well as I can do mine.

You are the ones who never once gave up on me. I am the one who knows that to be true.

You are the one who never liked sewing things, and yet painstakingly sewed me a wrist cushion so tat my wrist wont get burnt by my laptop.

You are the ones who bought me breakfast, remembered to order my food without tao geh, and ate them up when there were still a few of them.

You are the one who pricked your finger sewing me a laptop bag. You are the one who surprised me with it so much I still kept the 'Surprise!' tag on it.

You are the one who refused to let me eat icecream before I had something hot to eat first.

You are the ones who cried with me when I did. You are the ones who got me my Pooh tissues cos the other tissues were rough and made my nose even redder.

You are the ones who thought tat I was funny. My actions (the bye-bye-taxi one), the lil things i do (the xiao3 dong4 zuo4), the way i describe things (a la then!!), the way i laugh and snigger..etc.

You are the ones who made me laugh so hard with the funny things you said or did, the funny ways you pose in pictures, your funny lil actions i caught unaware.

You are the ones who thought I was zai, cos I didn't mind doing things like clearing out the basin, and other icky stuff. You are also the ones who thot i'd make a great wife cos i can cook, sew etc and cos i was good at home econs.

You are the one who got me a Triangel, spent so much time and money to get it shipped over for my birthday. Only to realize later it was sold here, and was a lot cheaper.

You are the ones who got me the voodoo mummy-s, to ward off bad luck and help my love life.

You are the one who told me that not only did I have a brain, I also had a heart.

You are the one who told me that you hated to see me hurt.

You are the ones who opened up to me to share your life stories, and in that, I learnt so much more about life.

You are the one who told me you missed my smile.

You are the one who told me I was very pretty when I smiled.

You are the one who told me I didn't need braces. Cos you thought my teeth (that one which sticks out) were cute and very me.

You are the one I traded clothes, jewellery, makeup, etc with. You are the ones I consult whenever I am in doubt.

You are the one who spent 3 yrs loving me. I was the one who broke your heart.

You are the one who made me so mad cos you hung up on me. Twice. I was the one who killed my feelings for you.

You are the one who brewed me herbal tea, even though you were sick.

You are the one who cooks for me every week, so much food that I have to ta bao to office. You are the one who'd call me to tell me wat you cooked exactly.

You are the one who disciplines me, lectures me, scolds me, puts me back in place, yet you were the one who raised me, coached me, coaxed me and reassured me that I was the dearest person to you.

You are the one who told me I didn't need to do social work cos I already was doing it cos i listen to my frens.

You are the ones who give me so many /hug emoticons I cant help but feel nice and warm.

You are the one who didn't play as well during squash so that I could win the bet. I could have never won otherwise.

You are the one who tells me 'good morning sunshine!' whenever you are online in the mornings.

You are the one who thought 'cars' was so nice you went to watch with me even though u already watched it.

You are the one who called me all the way from france to talk to me cos my msn connection sucked.

You are the ones who understood whenever I 'disappeared' if I were attached then.

You are the ones who never made me sing if we went to ktv cos I didn't like to.

You are the one i fell so in love with. You are also the one i have to let go.

You are the ones who left such sweet testimonials on my friendster.

You are the ones who always teased me abt the kind of guys who liked me..(think hei tao hua..)

You are the one who disgustingly burped my name walking past my classroom so tat I'd laugh.

You are the ones I hid behind the pillar with, so that our Chinese teacher wont see us.

You are the one who made me go with you to look at condo showrooms. And every real estate agent there thought we were getting married.

You are the one who made me the head of your magazine even though I was from a totally different faculty.

You are the ones whom everyone thought you liked me while I was totally unaware.

You are the one who told me it wasn't worth for me to sacrifice anything for any man, not even yourself.

You are the one who made me go to engin camp with you cos u didn't want to go by yourself. You are the one who gave me the opportunity to make many friends I hold dear even up to today.

You are the ones who sent me e-cards, snail mail cards, be it for a special occasion, or just for no rhyme or reason. You are the ones who out of the blue send me sms-es to see how i am, or just to say hi.

You are the one who waited for me in town where i was nearby, not knowing wat time i ended, but just so tat u'd be near by if i wanted a lift home.

You are the one who got me a jelly toy, and had a hard time searching for a same one cos it burst when you 'tested' it out.

You are the ones i go on holidays with, who trust me with booking the stuff, who endure long hrs travelling with me, queuing up at customs, and just have hell of a fun time with trying all sorts of stuff, food, etc.

You are the one who wrote a song for me.

You are the one who wrote a poem for me when i missed our date. I was the one who got quite freaked out by it.

You are the one who forced me to eat more, more and more cos I just didn't have any appetite and wasn't eating enough.

You are the ones who ask me along if you have lobangs, great deals, discount cards to use, invites, etc. You are also the ones who willingly check out on deals for me if i asked you to.

You are the one who got upset that your baby boy outgrew his first pair of shoes i bought for him.

You are the ones who came up with a million nicknames for me...(i shall NOT go into any of them)

You are the one i had a crush on. Amazingly, tho u never knew abt it, you are the one who still asks abt me 6 years down the road.

You are the ones i learnt new sports with..golf, squash, blading..You are the ones who got me started, hooked onto it, saw me while i faltered, fell, and finally got the hang of it. You are the ones who encouraged me, taught me, forced me, made fun at me, let me make fun of, and help me learn in such a supportive way.

You are the one who asked me if i'd invite you to my house if u're still single and i was married with a family. I was the one who asked you the same. Cos we are the ones who are still searching for the love to spend the rest of our lives with.

You are the one i knew would lose your baby cos i couldn't picture you carrying him or her.

You are the one who called me the instant you knew you were expecting.

You are the ones who glare at me or want to slap me whenever i put myself down, when i say i'm fat, complain abt my hair etc etc.

You are the ones i complain, bitch, whine to. Sometimes you are the ones who reassure me, bitch back along with me, and other times you are the ones who tell me to shut up and remind me not to complain cos i have so much else to look to.

You are the ones who refused to go for tuition unless i was the one teaching. You are the ones who said i was the only one who was patient enough and clear enough in explaining stuff.

You are the one i wished happy birthday. You are the one who only replied to my message hours later cos you wanted to spend the last minute of your birthday thanking me.

You are..

thinking out loud at 2:06 PM 5 more thots


Sunday, July 23, 2006

Thank god its...

TGIF
night blading is super fun!! its cooling, windy, there isnt much people ard, its kinda dark but at least u dont have to squint at the sun, and u can fall in peace with not many ppl noticing!

couldn't stop laughing, frens were super funny. so proud of myself cos i managed to parallel park at a squeezy lot!! yeah!! and yes, i did fall, but thank god not cos of a hump. went by a different route, the harder one towards the jetty. hahhaha went down a slope, fren couldn't stop in time so she ended up having to use the dustbin as a support. me being behind her, was also out of control, and was almost going to ram into a huge tree when i somehow steered right into her and the dustbin. *giggle uncontrollably*

then! somehow we all only had 22 bucks left..and we had to eat dinner with jus 22 bucks. wah stingray itself is like abt 10 bucks, then we still wanted orh lua, satay, drinks, wings, etc etc standard fare. so how? so stinge, scrimp and save lor! hahhaha went round hunting for the cheapest bargains, and we ended up with.....*drum roll please*


not bad right!! hehhehe quite alot of food lor.. then while we were eating, my ill fated fren had a cat dig in the sand behind her.. and we all know what tat means.. hahah tat the cat needed to poo really badly. so this kitty dug the hole, happily pooed ALOT into the hole and cutely covered it all up with the sand when he was done. fren was upset and disgusted, hahah so i told her to teach these cats a lesson..next time u see a cat eating, go right behind it and dig a hole and do business there and gross the cat out. *twiddles thumbs* eheheheheh

then walked and chatted all the way to bedok jetty..DAMN FAR AWAY.. and did silly things on the way like imitating couples and testing our strength trying to raise wooden bars.. then got lost sending them home (wah bedok then changi then tampines then paya lebar then upper serangoon leh..all just to get to sengkang!! /faint) but not too bad, still managed to get to sengkang without the help of the street directory. so...2 major breakthroughs/milestones in my entire history of driving! ~lalalalla~

TGISat
sigh woke up super early, went to check on our babes summer and parseley. poor dears, getting skinnier and skinnier..but still soooo adorable heheh. parseley was such a princess..she refused to eat pellets fr the bowl..but happily munched them from my hand..*scratch head* my dear i wont be there forever you know!! wish i could tho..

then went temple, hahahha got my fortune read, ate super duper sinful food (westlake pork belly bun! matcha icecream! choc eclair fr beard papa!) heheheh then went back and took a rather long catnap. then off to my bbq, where wings, satay, food abound!

wah then came the tricky part..trying to manouver out of the house onto the road..sigh fren and his dad were trying to direct me out..no easy task cos it was at odd angles and there was another car blocking me behind..and the house was at a dead end.. he gallantly offered to drive but i refused hahah. damn tough to get out leh i spent a whole 15mins trying to get out lor..kao. but! pt is..I DID IT!! thanks to them, and car sensor system. ehehhehe. but sooo tired from all the full left, full right, straighten wheel, changing gears and all tat sia.

TGISun
jialat. was out the whole night so i slept a total of 5 winks. and now, to add injury to insult, i have muscle ache fr last night's driving. *loser sign for me*

went for golf, checked out this new place, very nice!! windy and good view also!! then also played reasonably well, even tho i cant seem to hit past the 100m mark..grrr. but since its range ball and the wind was so strong, then no wonder it refused to travel past tat mark.. considering i haven't played in a while, managed to make the ball fly la, but of course with the help of my wonderful seeee-foooo. *snigger* but i bet i'm gonna get an even worse case of muscle ache after all tat golfing..

still got dinner later on..wah seh really rushhhh here rushhhh there the whole weekend..who said weekends were quiet and restful!! u are sooooo wrong man. weekends shld be made for fun fun and more fun!

thinking out loud at 2:23 PM 2 more thots


Friday, July 21, 2006

Life's lil lessons

something to share just before lunch.. a fren's philosophy of life.. quite a interesting one.. but behind the cuteness is a simple concept which we can try to remember..

fren says: u heard of the bus stop story right?

me says: simi bus stop?

fren says: u just got off a bus
and now we are all with u at the bus stop waiting for your next bus
to come to bring u to your destination
it's like waiting for bus at bus stop

me says: like waiting for 273

fren says: maybe u get up yur first bus, then half way thru,
u find no air-con, u dun like then u get off
then wait for another bus
but the next bus got air-con
but u realise u got on the wrong bus number,
that bus dun bring u to where u want to go
so u got off that bus
then u wait for the next bus again
and maybe the next bus i get on and realise u wan to change yur destination,
so u change yur mind and get off the bus
but whatever it is, u will know better and learn on the way,
and u got lots of companies at the bus stop with you
so it's okay to get off, or get kick off the bus and wait for the next one
coz the waiting and the jorney in between it's not a lonely one
not so soon i guess...it's on his way
coz u just fell off a bus
yur butt still hurt
gotta rest at the bus stop for awhile first
while waiting, u can enjoy the atmosphere and scenery around

me says: and think abt which bus i shld take

fren says: yah. yah. cannot be too old and rusty wil break down halfway

me says: too new also no good

fren says: will drive recklesly inconsiderate no good
haha
so u will see alot of buses passby
up to u to flag or not maybe some u flag
but they dun wan to stop
imagine u get on a bus that will drive u thru mountains, valleys and greenland!
..
..
..

Its almost like my blading concept isnt it? heheh i hope i dont fall later on man.. *pray hard and cross fingers*

thinking out loud at 11:59 AM 3 more thots


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Warning: Smiles ahead!

~A collection of my fave smiles ~

For the narcissists in us.. =0p
For the ability to smile, giggle, grin and laugh..
For happiness just can't be faked..
For happiness should be shared..
For your smile can make the world go round..
For there will always be a way..
For each one makes us smile just that much brighter..


















thinking out loud at 10:19 AM 3 more thots


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

testing shuyun

Name test (What does your name mean?)
Although the name Shuyun creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. (so..i try to be even tho by nature i'm not?? eh??)

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, worry, and mental tension. (yes i'm a worry wart..)

Your name of Shuyun makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. (why do i always get this 'serve others' thing? social work? maid services???? i sure hope not man.)

You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. (ah yes i am a worry wart. wait i thot i jus admitted it jus now..)

Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. (i can neither draw nor sing..i can only draw bikinis and icecream on msn)

You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones. (yep i wan stability)


Your Life Colors
You scored mainly in the Water-Earth quadrant. This 'Green' quadrant highlights the 'down-to-earth' aspect of your personality and your enjoyment of everyday life. You like to 'go with the flow', enjoying all sorts of practical experiences. (hmmm yeah quite true..quite qin chye)

Your life is like a river which flows across the ground, meandering towards the sea. When obstacles arise you will adapt and flow around them, without too much worry or concern. An 'earth' person will very much live life in the present, rather than worrying too much about the future. (ahh! yes yes believe in only today, tom then see how haha)

People who map into this quadrant will often seek a variety of everyday experiences and base their decisions on what they have personally experienced, rather than what someone has told them or what they have read about. Therefore, sometimes you may delay making a decision because you have no 'real world' data to tell you what to do. You like to be totally happy with any decision before taking action. (hmmm ya so u can give me advice, but i reserve the right to heed it)

You are likely to be good observer and take in a lot of visual data. Details are important to you and you will often take time to find out how something works. (oh so true, basket i'm still re-reading up on cancer tho i studied it in school lor!) You usually like the 'best' in everything you do and therefore your standards and expectation of others may be too high. Remember that no-one is perfect! (okok, pt taken)

Quality in everything you do is important to you. However, realize that you may sometimes have to compromise to meet the needs of others. (i said ok already!! *grumble* eheheheh)


What Pattern Is Your Brain?
Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent.
You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored.
You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts.
And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.


Hmmm..pictures in my head? yes i know i have a vivid imagination... hmmm..yes, hard to express these thoughts too... not easy to describe wat i see in my head leh..

thinking out loud at 12:07 PM 0 more thots


Admission

i miss you so much.

missed you yesterday, the day before, the day before the day before, the weeks before, tomorrow, tomorrow's tomorrow, tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow..everyday i guess.

Saying it out and admitting it doesn't make it better.

cos i still miss you so much, with all my heart.

thinking out loud at 10:09 AM 1 more thots


Monday, July 17, 2006

something stupid

was quite seh the whole day. colleague was the sweetest ever..thanks for the juice and choc sticks honey..

tried to figure out some computer stuff. shall try again tom.

watched the news. saw the massive accident in hk. gripped by fear tat he might be there, worried sick abt his safety.

how ludicrous. how irrational. how stupid of me. plain stupid.

wanted to apologise to someone in my past. for all the hurt i must have caused. then again. maybe some things are best left unspoken. but i truly am sorry.

thinking out loud at 10:43 PM 0 more thots


Sunday, July 16, 2006

The wait for the soul

i think..tat instead of calling our life Our Life or The Life, it shld be termed The Wait. seems apt. applies for everything. jus think abt it.

i guess i must have been pretty quiet, pensive, or watever these few days..cos many ppl have asked me, 'yunyun, wat are u thinking of? penny for your thoughts?' but haven't really given any answers.

to answer, listen closely to An jing..posted the lyrics before..it soothes yet haunts me. and it says pretty much wat i'm thinking now. funny how i shld turn into the heal-with-songs type. trust me i also didn't knwo i was this sort. so one more thing learnt i guess.

asked mom why she gave birth to me, this odd creature, weird mix of characteristics.. neither here nor there..and her answer was simply, 'cos u have balance. its jus tat u need to know what to make use of during the way.' so i have to learn..wat to rely on at diff times of my life (oops My Wait i mean).

sounds so simple..but oh so very tough. as with everything, its really easier said than done. strategising is always easier than implementation. so i might say i wanna not think abt him, or miss him and all tat, but its alot harder than to jus let my head rule my heart. heart is saying, OVERRULED!!! LOUSY DEFENCE!!! and head slinks away, despite being the more knowing one.

but maybe heart and head are trying too hard to heal the soul. maybe there is no need to hurry, no need to try so hard. maybe soul appreciates it, maybe soul needs to be alone to heal, without heart nor head debating like angels/demons conscience characters in the cartoons we watch.

maybe soul needs to cry once in a while, needs to laugh more often than once, needs to love, needs to be loved, needs some attention and pampering, needs some reality checks and bringing back down to earth. maybe soul doesn't know wat she needs. but maybe soul just might know wat she doesn't need. maybe tat would be a good place for soul to start her own healing.

thinking out loud at 10:16 PM 0 more thots


Saturday, July 15, 2006

music box

spent the afternoon by the seas of singapore.

labrador, ecp, then marina pier. each place special, with the different memories each place holds or created today.

looking into the vastness, realising tat i had the ocean at my feet, the sky within my reach. no sun today, it was cloudy, windy and very soothing. feeling the breeze hit my cheek, whipping my hair like nobody's business, waves crashing into the breakwater, relentlessly, ever changing. tasted the salt from the wind and tears on my lips, heard the horn of the ships in the not so distant distance. saw planes go by, one after the other, wanted to write a letter to him, but lacked the guts to do so. so sorta whispered a lil note to he-who-would-affectionately-call-me-yunyun instead, to watch over the plane he'd be in. then went and had comfort food in a familiar place.

but guess its gonna take much more than that before i'd be ok. tho it does put things in perspective. so maybe its the first step..to where i have no idea, but out of here, out of the moment i'm stuck in. so many questions in my head, so many things to resolve, even more things to put aside. so many things to find too..my courage, strength, will power, energy, zest, spirit, myself.

so finally, i'm finally falling sick. tried to not fall sick the past 2 mths, but guess this body can't take the strain any longer? or the viruses are jus getting stronger? probably both. all of u have been constantly naggin at me, to rest, to go out, to sleep, to eat, etc..haha thank you my wonderful naggers, nag away cos i feel your concern, but cannot nag too much ok? wait become old uncle and auntie ah! whahhaha

then was triple country chatting again..another comforting thing to do..chatting abt songs, life, nonsense, serious stuffs, and all tat. friendly bantering, good cheer, basking in the warmth of friendship.

been blogging so much these few days..extraordinary amt actually..i seem to have an never ending amt of things to think abt and write.. but jus as how eric clapton wrote a song for his boy who died, maybe this is my way of handling things. sometimes i can't even bear to read my own words. but sometimes, it reminds me tat i have so much more to learn. so much more to give, receive, and live. i'm blessed. all i need to do now is to always remember that. cos everything else will fade.

thinking out loud at 10:30 PM 2 more thots


today's post

think i really need more sleep.. think i've got insomnia..then i wake up at 8 on the dot..must be my stupid biological clock thinking its time to go to work. sigh.

anyways..couldn't sleep so gonna do a recap on yesterday..

as usual, it rained.. so i decided, heck, jus walk in the rain. pretty fun, was stomping at puddles, and splashing water everywhere hehehe, cept i was quite wet by the end of it. and now, think i've got a cold. sian.

had tat review with the boss first thing in the morning..then ordered thai express for lunch cos it was jun's last day.. =0'( but food was good. we ordered damn alot la!

then met up with the Friday-Evening-Gang (the FEGs heheh) for some blading..wah..i fell so many times man..car and me took turns falling..then i did the most spectacular fall cos i was trying to balance, then couldn't realy balance, then somehow did a flip and ended up lying on the ground.. ='0(

oh well. wat to do? but to laugh at meself, then get up again lor.. in many ways..it made me think how this is life is meant to be. i was always scared of humps..cos i'm not good on blades..and somehow i always fall after a hump. so each time i approach it, its with fear tat i will fall and hurt myself. so many a time i just try to avoid it, or if there is someone ard, i seek help fr tat person to help me get over the hump safely.

but yesterday.. first hump already i fall down.. then plucked up my courage and tried it again myself. was quite scared cos didn't have elbow guards, but surprisingly, i made it thru. up comes the 3rd, and still i was apprehensive, cos of the shadows from the past falls. then, i made it thru again.

of course, i still fell along the way, and while i had to pick myself up all the time (cos if others help u up, u'd probably fall back down again), i was happy to noe i had my 2 girlies with me to make sure i was ok before we continued. they help me, i help them, and i help myself.

then along the way we were blading at diff speeds. sometimes we move faster ahead of others, sometimes they move ahead faster than us, but pauses, waiting for each other to catch up and moving along together somehow made the journey happier, easier. (of course it helped tat the weather was superb la. nice and windy, shiok!) but falling down hurts..falling down consecutively hurts even more. somehow the pain exponentiates, to a point that it becomes unbearable. but the pain disappears. jus as bruises fade, cuts stop bleeding, wounds slowly heal. and then u move on. but then u realise, humps aren't that bad afterall..cos it prepared u for the drain ahead..

well we were super tired after it all.. so then went for a good good dinner at 85.

hhaah then v bo liao after dinner, then went to try out the coke n mentos experiment!

The preparation



The action




The end..

Scientist wondering wat went wrong with his hypothesis... Its the end, for now.. but we'll be back! with a detailed experimental procedure complete with control and 3 sets of varying conditions.

thinking out loud at 9:49 AM 2 more thots


missing

couldnt help it but miss him so much. tried not to think abt him the whole week, so jus allow me a few moments of indulgence?

kinda weird huh..how economists always talk abt incentives.. my incentive for not thinking abt him is to think abt him.. wats wrong with me!
argh.

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
Cos I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

if u're familiar with this song..u'd know there's a second part or ending to this..something i've chosen to leave out..simply cos it wont ever happen..but still..beautiful song..for a beautiful person..in the middle of a beautiful night..before the dawn of a beautiful morning..

thinking out loud at 1:58 AM 1 more thots


Friday, July 14, 2006

love is selfish

love is selfish
you always want the best for the other person
it may not be the best as they know it
it may not be the best as they want it
but it is the best as you know it
it is the best as you think they need

love is selfish
you think of how you can make it better for the other person
everything revolves around the other person
no one else matters
yet everyone interferes

love is selfish
but it leads to unselfishness
it is because you are selfish in love
that makes you do the most selfless acts
like the mother who protected her child from the oncoming car
like the husband who punched his wife's abusive ex
like the lil boy who was mean to the girl who bullied his sister

who is to categorise their acts of love?
because love made them do things,
they thought were best for the one they loved.
in the end, the mother held her child so tightly the child suffocated
in the end, the wife left the husband for the ex
in the end, the best intentions were labelled selfish.
never to be recognised for their true intentions.

who is to say what u shld do in love?
no one, i'm afraid.
who is to define if love shld be patient, kind, giving?
love is as you define it
it never makes sense
yet, it makes perfect sense

thinking out loud at 5:18 AM 0 more thots


thankfulness

to whoever you are up there, thank you for today. U-who-would-affectionately-call-me-yunyun (according to my fren's theory), thank you.

For giving me great colleagues to work with, for my wonderful frens who make (use of) me to think up of A&P channels cos I'm in marketing, for jus wishing me a good morning out of the blue, for trying out coffee bean's vanilla mints with me (it sucks, don't waste ur money), for hitting me on the chin and arm during squash, for driving me home at night or bringing me green tea cos u thot i'd be thirsty, for scaring the living daylights out of me, for all the laughter, tears, cheer, courage, silliness, reality bites, everything. For giving me a great mom who still went to brew a herbal drink for me tho she was sick. For giving me a grandma who cooks so much I have lots to bring to work and share with the rest for lunch.

So.. thank you, u-who-would-affectionately-call-me-yunyun, thank you very much.

Btw, mun was the one who happily hit the squash ball in my direction. 10q u mun mun I’ll definitely rem u. ehehheh! Then v cute, before we went for dinner, we tried to hit the ball continuously for at least 30 times. Hahah guess how many we hit... 38!! *snigger*

While going back fr bishan, saw this auntie selling tissue..she was half stooped over, and was asking passerbys to buy tissue for her. But everyone walked past her, without even a second glance at her. In fact they seem to be avoiding her. felt so sorry for her..so bought tissue fr her..wonder where her family is..wonder if she has any? If she's got a home to go home to? Cos its quite a cold and chilly night? If she's had dinner? Or if she's made enuff for the night so tat maybe she can take a break tom? I wondered why she was selling tissue..wat she used to do before this? Wat happened to her such tat she has to end up selling tissue?

Compared to her..i'm one lucky bitch. I wanted to ask her things..to make sure she'd be ok..but dunno why, didn't have the courage to ask her..maybe I was afraid tat if I knew how bad it was, I'd be totally sad..maybe I didn't want to hear the truth. Cos hor..bit silly la..but I know tat if I heard her story, I'd end up crying. =0(

Please, u-who-would-affectionately-call-me-yunyun, keep her safe and warm the rest of the nights? Thank you..

thinking out loud at 1:11 AM 0 more thots


Thursday, July 13, 2006

the divinity of it all

never underestimate the power of retribution.

this yiyi scared me in the toilet cos i thot she was gonna spill a whole bucket of dirty water on me. and then she proceeded to laugh nonstop. i usually don't get frightened by things, but i must have had a very funny expression whahhah.

then..

thank god for divine intervention!

on the way back, our storeman walked quietly behind us. i saw him in the reflection, but the other 2 didnt. guess who got the fright of her life? hahah so u see, hao xin you hao bao, e you e bao.

HAHAHAHAHA super funny la! but oh dear so full now..trying to settle into the 'new environment' tat we're in. office sure looks very diff now.

anyway..was supposed to have my appraisal today..but got called in for a chat. quite a random one tho..but i stupidly teared.

it was something my boss said. it went along the lines of this..

u definitely have the smarts, and the ability to achieve. u just need to decide wat u want to do in life, or in this company. but more importantly, its not your brains and ability tat make you valuable to the company, but also cos you have the heart. and while there are many ppl who have the smarts, not many have the heart and who really want to help others ard them. these are the things tat define you, the ppl u care abt..and its something tat won't take you away from you, even tho you may fall or be heartbroken or wat..


he said i'm the sort who thinks, but in the end, its my heart overrules. tat i care for ppl on an individualistic manner, as in i'd go find out fr the individual wats wrong, try to understand the problem, then try to help, tat vs as a grp. tat even tho i'm more of a thinker, i have chosen to be in a role which requires me to interact with ppl, feel for them tat sort of thing.

i teared..cos i really didn't expect him to say all this. seriously didn't expect it, not esp fr a male boss?? and cos i didn't expect him to profile me that way?? stupid of me i know, so unprofessional! but wt the heck. tear liao wat u wan me to do now? best of all..after this long chat, i still have to go for appraisal tom..SIGH.

thinking out loud at 1:48 PM 1 more thots


fleeting thoughts in the morning

dawn touched the earth, her soft rays reaching, spreading, illuminating
through the clouds, her warmth shines, chases away the most bitter chills
with their eager arms, the world waits for her arrival
she's their messenger of hope, of life.
with dawn, the universe slowly awakens, rouses from their slumber.
and then, its the start of a brand new day.
will dawn bring my sun back?
or will she choose to fade back, into the darkness she came from?

erase not the bitter memories
remember not just the sweet ones
for, when they come together, they become bittersweet,
the true taste of love.
savour it, feel the full burst of its flavour
know that with the sweet, bitterness follows
know that after the bitterness, the sweetness slowly takes over.
and all that is left, but are distant memories.
lingering, aching, wishing, loving.
that is but the essence,
of falling in love, of reluctantly letting go.

thinking out loud at 7:56 AM 0 more thots


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

winding down

just got back, only to realise i didn't off my lappy before going to work! kao! tmd! my poor lappy.. sayang.. nothing to do now while waiting for effect of the medicine to kick in..

anyways heard many nice chinese songs..surprising considering i never really listened to chinese songs..was always a strictly english song listener. so was surprised i actually heard of many of the songs before..and tat they are really nice too. they're so sad, poetic even. even jay chou leh. i jus heard one of his songs today cos yiyi was the in house dj for the afternoon.


hmmm the english translation abit funny..somehow in chinese it sounds so much better. hope the chinese words appear correctly tho.. and pic abit small so have to enlarge urself. but didn't realise tat his songs were actually so emotional leh. always thot it was monotone and all tat. couldn't stand his hair incidentally. still can't stand his attitude either la. but its a nice tune, gotta give him credit for his musical inclination (cos i have none, and he can play the piano so well leh). i wonder wat made him write this..

went pass kent ridge park today. never knew it was so nice. it was quiet, scenic, understated. shall drive there someday when i feel the need for time out. met val, who was severely amused tat i could be so horrified she didn't wear an ankle guard. i mean she was hobbling ard lor! its no fun having a joint injury..i shld noe..i've dislocated my knee thrice lor. then met her fren, nice guy, but the first one so far i've met who doesn't drink coffee. hahha so cute. and best of all, he thot i was younger than an '82 baby. (yi - yeah!! woohoo!! whahhaha) Was too tired to go zouk after tat, esp after my (free) chai latte. but then free entry leh. ah well there will be another time.

rem how i said i was gonna make someone happy everyday? i guess i did, cos managed to make myself happy today, in knowing tat altho we may never be close or wat again, heres a guy who i will always have a soft spot(s) for, tat for the first time, there really was someone i cared for lots and lots, and whom for a brief period in time, cared alot for me too.

its ok yunyun, u'll think of him, u'll miss him, u'll feel sad sometimes, u'll smile at the good memories, u'll feel lost, u'll be ok. its ok, u'll feel like this cos u love him. its ok, u're not perfect. u don't have to be. u're human, and u're entitled to ur mistakes and silly things tat u do. just as how u dont understand wats going on now, maybe neither does he? but will he ever forgive u for being such a pain? or causing him so much pain?

fall honey, fall so tat u can start all over again. fall so tat u'd know how not to fall down so painfully the next time. fall so tat u won't make the same mistakes, so tat in time, maybe u won't even fall anymore. Just like when u learnt how to blade. rem how u fell? and how u're prob gonna fall again? doesn't matter. One day, u'd be able to blade, as well as mun and the rest.

Time is the biggest, bestest band-aid for us now.

thinking out loud at 11:11 PM 0 more thots


tea break

The Clothes You Wear

What others see from your style
Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.

What your nightclothes reveal
You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

What others see from your ties
You enjoy being alone. You like to life the simple but good life, and you cherish your freedom. You are thoughtful, confident and uninterested in glamour.

What others see from your belts
You are a kind of person who likes to hide your feelings. You may have a hot temper but tend to cover it with an outwardly calm and gentle demeanor. You are sensitive when it comes to love.

What others see from your shoes
You are a person who loves simplicity and is sincere and open. You are pleasant to be with, easygoing and always in a good mood. You neither want to control nor be under someone else's control. You don't care much about how you look, and know that it's what's inside someone's heart that's important.

What others see from your earrings
You are a sweet and talkative person. You are sociable, energetic and interesting, and get easily bored by the same old things. You are always looking for adventure.

The last analysis
You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.


well..ok, shld be quite true ba. but i wont noe cos i think this reflects more of wat the ppl ard me perceive me as?dunno. anyways, came across this thing, truths on girls and guys. quite interesting.


Girl:

When a Girl is quiet,

Millions of things are running in her mind.


When a Girl is not arguing,

She is thinking deeply.


When a Girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,

She is wondering how long you will be around.


When a Girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,

She is not at all fine.


When a Girl lays on your chest,

She is wishing for you to be hers forever.


When a Girl calls you everyday,

She is seeking for your attention.


When a Girl sms's you everyday,

She wants you to reply at least once.


When a Girl says I Love You,

She means it.


When a Girl says that she can't live without you,

She has made up her mind that you are her future.


When a Girl says "I miss you",

No one in this world can miss you more than her.


Guy:

When a Guy is quiet,

He has nothing to say.


When a Guy is not arguing,

He is not in the mood to argue.


When a Guy looks at you with eyes full of questions,

He is really confused.


When a Guy answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,

He is actually fine.


When a Guy stares at you,

He is either amazed or angry.


When a Guy lays in your lap,

He is wishing for you to be his forever.


When a Guy calls you everyday,

He is spending a lot of talk time to get your attention.


When a Guy sms's you everyday,

He is forwarding them.


When a Guy says that he can't live without you,

It's not the first time.


When a Guy says "I miss you",

He has made up his mind that you are his for at least a week.


girls part..i can relate to..guess mostly true..but for the guys? guys, is this true?

thinking out loud at 2:02 PM 2 more thots


rainy days

raining again this morning. seems to be raining almost every morning. wanted to walk to work, but got tired after 5 mins heh. felt the wind, felt good. it must have rained, cos realised tat my top was getting droplets. thankfully i had my umbrella.

met boss at cafe downstairs, and had a drink with him for a bit. talked abt sales, and how everything in life revolves ard sales. true. but i never really liked sales. tho i liked selling shoes. but everything..involves sales..all ur life. how scary. esp when i don't think i'm cut out to be a salesperson.

had the whole back office to ourselves, so on music loud, for once, and had no one to disturb us. painting going on outside, raining outside too. feel isolated from the rest of the world. but yet, quite comforting. kinda like a shell for me to hide under. where i'm with my colleagues, away fr everything else, where i can do my own things, work at my own pace for once, etc. the whole room is like a storeroom now. and we're sorta having a picnic. we've got sweets, biscuits, drinks, and tons of childrens supplements which are super yummy and we can't stop munching on them. heh. it was the same one my boss finished the whole pack of in like..3 days? we're talking like 45 tablets here ok.. kao. he power.

its 1234 again. that magical number combination. right now, its the sign tat lunch time is here. heh. dunno wat to eat sia.

thinking out loud at 12:28 PM 0 more thots


celebrations are in order


babe, hapy bdae! u're not 42 (not yet anyway) but stil, have a good good bdae next week ok?

sorry think the pic not v nice, do a nicer one for u when i inspired k?

thinking out loud at 1:10 AM 0 more thots


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

life has no rewind button

so i did something dumb. again. wats new. like i said, i'm screwed already. i always do, and i always make things worse. i'm too sensitive for my own good. i love u too much for our own good. i screw up too much for our own good too. i wonder if this morning was a premonition.

so i did many things not good for us. so i did many things tat have upset u. so i did many things irrational. and so the list goes on. and so? and so i have to live with it. and so i apologise. tho it seems trivial to apologise. and so i accept it, and learn how to handle it. and so i have to crawl back up, and move along. and so i have to let go, completely and totally.

so i'm not the one for you. so u're still important to me. so we'll move on. so i'll stop being ultrasensitive me. so i'll go back to my normal self. so u'll be u again. so it will be jus so. so i'll remember all tat we shared.

so i too borrow the words of corrinne may..

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

and so, i pray for u, tat u'll find someone u're truly happy with. someone who can help u soar really high. and so, u'll be far away from me, from how we used to be.

but if loving u means tat i can never be by your side, and can at most watch u from afar, or tat i have to free myself from all the stupid things i feel, or free u from me, so tat u're free to accept or turn me away, free to love me or love me not, then fly..fly away honey, find ur own little space, where u'd be safe, warm, happy and loved. Jus please, please, be safe..and happy..and once in a while, when u can, smile for me again k? cos..i still love your smile.

thinking out loud at 11:18 PM 0 more thots