Wednesday, May 31, 2006

How do you know...?

You know because..
Most of all..you know because only you know.

"It's so funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception."

thinking out loud at 11:09 PM 0 more thots


Food for thought

i've taken to eating cold soba. don't ask me why but tats been my diet the past few days. hahah. there's something strangely attractive about having your noodles cold. its like the chef not bothering to heat it up or cook it for you, but yet tat same nonchalance (or neglect?!) makes it taste so much simpler and tastier. i bet it won't taste quite as appetising if it were warm and soggy (yes i'm biased..). its a classic example of how less is actually more i guess.
And this concept applies alot to our lives too..Just think about it..
Soba anyone?

thinking out loud at 4:08 PM 0 more thots


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

the many faces of you

sometimes, i just feel like dropping everything and just running away. run to somewhere i love, somewhere tats safe, somewhere tats happy. jus drop everything else on hand, and jus leave it all behind. emotional me says: lets go! screw it all! just do it! so sick and tired already! but then logical me takes over and gives me a full length lecture on responsibilities, wats-right-and-wats-not, blah blah blah until emotional me meekly gives in and just hides off somewhere.

how do u balance logic and emotion? its so weird cos i'm really emotional, and yet i can be so practical and down to earth it makes me seem cold and unfeeling. but is it that i'm jus a contradiction of characters? or is it that i've just learnt to hide emotional me beneath layers and layers of concealment? i really have no idea. don't u envy people who are able to freely express exactly how they feel to everyone? or really don't have a care in the world? but how many people are really happy under their seemingly cheery and upbeat masks?

i guess everyone dons on a mask almost all their lives. we become skilled actors and actresses in our own play, masters of an art form, cept tat at times it seems tat we aren't the ones producing or directing it. cos more often than not, the other characters, stage crew,etc involved in the theatrics have a say in how this play shld be carried out, and usually this changes the whole course of things, no matter how big, or small, significant, or minute.

but at which point are we truly being ourselves? without having to consider others, worrying about the next line, fussing about our appearances, or putting up even more layers of makeup? when do we actually take off our masks, remove all that makeup, to reveal to other people who we truly are? and not who we try to make ourselves seem to be?
guess that we will never be totally rid of our masks. not even when we are alone and by ourselves. cos sometimes, we ourselves live in denial. we try to make ourselves believe certain things to maybe make ourselves feel bettter? to convince ourselves that what we did was right? to boost our own self esteem? i dunno. maybe there are somethings tat we aren't exactly proud of, or something embarrassing tat we want to hide? and so we don't even dare to admit it to ourselves? or that we don't even realise cos its buried so deep inside?

but i guess alot of it has to do with ur childhood..cos that forms the basis of who u are today. and having a not-so-happy childhood..well i guess emotional scars jus get carried over..continually hurting, recovering, healing, wounding, unless u find it in u to let go of the past. but of course, that is easier said than done..if i knew how to, i would have done so long ago.

then u realise as u grow older..the less free spirited u become, the more jaded, cynical, and controlled u are... and in the end, not many people know you for you, unless of course they've known u way before all this cynicism and masks, where more of your true self used to shine through.

so instead of time healing all, maybe its more like time dilutes all, and lets u cover up whatever has happened with bandages, plasters, and maybe even a skin graft. if pushed or forced, this 'plastic surgery' becomes a hurried and botched job. but if given enough time, the job is so perfect, that u can't even tell the real from the fake. (just thot of all the boob and botox jobs we see on tv everyday wahhaha)

but u get my point. it never really heals. it jus sits there, latent, hidden, until someday, someone realises that it is but a false front, a counterfeit (something like how european airline personnel are trained to tell the difference from the real LV bags from the fake so that they can fine you), and then once again, u're exposed, vulnerable, naked, with no where to hide until u find yet another mask to be behind.

now just where did i put that mask?

thinking out loud at 10:00 AM 0 more thots


Monday, May 29, 2006

And then, boredom sets in

Feeling bored at work now..so went off to do a couple of tests.. And here are the results..

The Five Factor Values Test

Your Values Profile


Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.
You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.
Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.
But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.


The Draw a House test

Based on my drawing and answers:
You are sensitive and indecisive at times. (buy? don't buy? should i?) You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You are shy and reserved. You are very tidy person. (u gotta be kidding me, notes and all that yes, room nope haha) There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. (yeah but i rather nua with a few good friends than to pose around and AF or Act Friendly to huge crowds) You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be. You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself. (seems like a recurring point that often pops up..hmm)

And the LAST ONE for the day...

Job Juice: Career quiz

SOoo...according to this, i should be anyone of these:
Aged Care Worker
Career Counsellor
Case Manager
Child Care Worker
Dentist
Dietician
Doctor
Employment Consultant
Lawyer
Librarian
Lifeguard
Nurse
Occupational Therapist
Paramedic
Park Ranger
Personal Counsellor
Physiotherapist
Podiatrist
Police Officer
Probation Officer
Recreation Officer
Social Worker
Speech Pathologist
Teacher
Veterinarian
Wildlife Officer
Youth Worker

strange list..yet not that strange..doesnt the chart remind u of a particular rude action you should never show your parents? heheh. Sigh ok ..back to finding suppliers for my new slimming range then..

thinking out loud at 1:47 PM 0 more thots


I've got the blues for you..for sundays i mean..

Was awaiting (once again i wait) the delivery of my dress ordered online. so i was waiting expectantly for it all week (and weekend).

SIGH.

lesson learnt. not only did they send the wrong colour, it was way toooooo small! are they nuts? its obviously a case of inaccurate misrepresentation of measurements on their part, and wrong material from what was stated! my goodness..are all jap and korean ladies pint sized and stick thin? *shakes head*

i mean..if the website states that it fits Bust A to C, u'd expect it to fit up to a C isn't it? or if the waist says 76cm...but noooo..that wasn't the case with this ill-fated dress and its equally ill-fated owner.

so i guess no more online shopping for me. not for now anyway. and no more dresses! not til i get paid, or til i get back from HK anyways. (speaking of pay, i was once told that if i ever felt sian of working, jus think of it this way: your boss owes u money each month. he basically owes u money for the whole month after your last paycheck, and will continue owing u til you get this current month's money. so..he OWES U, and not the other way round) Feel better? yeah i'm feeling slightly better hehehhe

but well, at least i had a good weekend. it started out slow and was feeling tired from the previous week, but still managed to accomplish my normal weekend activities, like salsa, dinners with mom and friends, supper, movie, and even squash. hahah. its no wonder we all often find ourselves even more tired on mondays, cos the weekend was simply so hectic! rushhh here, rushhhh there, when the weekends are supposed to be for recuperating and just relaxing. weekends are viewed as a way to recharge for the next coming week, to mark the end of a work week, but i think weekdays are a way to recharge for the following weekend, cos thats when all hell breaks lose!

hopefully time passes even faster the next month or so. unknowingly, its been 2 weeks, and somehow i made it through!! hopefully time passes faster for you too ok?

thinking out loud at 9:25 AM 0 more thots


Sunday, May 28, 2006

Friends are friends forever

i've met quite a number of people over the past year, many of them who's friendship i treasure lots. i don't have that many friends, tho i have many acquaintances. had a triple cross-country chat with friends yesterday (singapore, US, taiwan) which inspired me to look at all the different friends i've made. isn't it amazing, how 3 people from such separate lives got to know each other by some mysterious twist of fate, and have a friendship spanning so many countries? i'm still amazed.

so its nice to know, that despite all the differences in background, culture, country even, there are many people out there who enrich your life everyday, just by being your friend.

having as many friends is no longer just a popularity game. for me, its simply cos each friend represents a different side of me, which that friend is able to bring out. and for different situations, you turn to a different (group of) friend, because each friend represents a different view or reaction, depending on what u wanted. i know diff people turn to me for different reasons, jus as i turn to different people for different opinions. its just like how u look for a certain group of friends when u want to have fun, or want to hang out with, or ask to go out for a crazy time. plus, networking is getting so important, so knwing more people does offer a certain edge. so its pure luck then, if u do happen to find your soulmate, or a person whom u'd turn to for almost everything, or first think of to tell stuff or seek help from.

but as with all relationships, trust is really important. and this ties in to who u'd look for in, say, an emergency, a gossip session, a sensitive issue, share random bits of (useless) info, or just to confide in. and this then leads to comfort level, as in how comfortable you are in communicating or sharing stuff with this person. then comes honesty, and reassurance. but then again, much of a friendship can't be analysed by using logic. cos much of it is a 'feeling', which really can't be put to words. in fact, it shouldn't cos it devalues the word 'friendship'.

i guess i'm lucky, to have found you.

thinking out loud at 11:14 PM 1 more thots


Saturday, May 27, 2006

The sweetest thing

he did something really sweet today, and its something tat made me smile, the happy, contented, peaceful, blissful sort. and for that i'm thankful. glad that we're still friends, glad that we can make each other laugh, glad that we've still got someone to complain, whine or bitch to, glad for each other basically. i'm jus thankful i haven't totally lost someone so special to me.

but to all my other friends, i'm also really thankful to have u all around me. be it to just stone with me while i mull over things, to go for dinner so that i can stop thinking screwed up thots, for calling me just to 'spot check' on me, for your oh so important support, for letting me just take my time, for encouraging me, for just being there for me.

i guess it was just a really warm feeling to have all of you rally your support for me.

was talking to a friend, who said tat we all learn more abt ourselves in depressing times. how true! our human nature is as such isnt it? when things are given to us, on a silver platter, or gold spoon, we don't ever treasure it. but only when we fall hard or receive a really painful knock on the head, then does the message finally sink in. we need hard painful knock(s) to literally drive the message home.

Whats wrong with us anyway! But i guess the only certainty in everything that happens is uncertainty. BUt then again, death is also another certainty in life. so that brings the total no of things that we can be certain about to ...*drum roll*... 2.
Its like..everyone asks one thing, and tat is if we have a chance of getting back together. But while my answer is 'not now', it doesn't mean that i'm harbouring thoughts of getting back or anything. tats just not possible for now. my reason for this 'hope' is simple. That u simply have no idea who you are going to end up with. it could be him, it could be one of my guy friends, it could be a stranger i've yet to meet, or heaven forbid, i turn lesbian. hahah. but u get my drift. that we really have no idea. that uncertainty is something i'm certain about.

which probably explains why i don't really like to plan for the future. i might be taken for a ride, but i guess i've given up on guessing what the future holds. i wish i had my crystal ball (cos i'm really really curious). but i guess i'll still concentrate on living my present, my now, and carpe diem. while i don't really look forward to going to work tom (i can't believe how fast the weekend whizzes past), i'm looking forward to meeting my colleagues and thinking about what i'm going to have for lunch. and...PAYDAY!!!! hahhaha

thinking out loud at 8:14 PM 0 more thots


Friday, May 26, 2006

I'm on my way, learning every step of each day

i spent last night counselling myself haha. i wanted to talk to my mom but guess i needed to talk to myself. i don't really remember wat i talked to myself abt, but i went to sleep with a small smile, knowing i'd be ok. i know i've made many (huge, unforgiveable) mistakes these few weeks or so, but i think i've learnt much more from them. hopefully they don't repeat and hopefully i'll be able to actually learn something and remember it.

something happened on the way to heaven, but no one ever said tat it was a good or bad thing right? i'm learning to be positive, to be objective, to carry on, and to remind myself whatever has happened sure happened for a really good reason. whatever it is doesn't matter, i'm going to concentrate on being me and making sure i'm ok. i've also come to terms tat there are some things i can never understand or accept, or times when i can't be as strong or as brave as i should be but hey tats wat makes me me isn't it? otherwise, i might as well be god almighty or some saint. which i obviously am not, nor do i aspire to be one.

cos in this life as we know it, how many of us really can find true friendships or relationships tat we treasure and remember to treasure? i've been riding on this emotional rollercoaster more often than i need to but because my time here on earth isnt' up yet, i'm going to try not to give up on myself, my friends, my family either.

so for now, i'm going to live by this: that time heals all (however cliched it might seem), and tat space is wat we need. thats wat i'll need, and tats jus about all tat i can offer. Time, and space.

Smile ok? Cos the world seems so much brighter when u do.
=0)

thinking out loud at 9:07 AM 1 more thots


Now now now!

No Opportunity Wasted
'What would you do if you had 72 hours and the opportunity to live a dream? No Opportunity Wasted (NOW) poses that question. It's a philosophy about turning thought into action. No more shoulda, coulda, woulda. Think big, dream large, ditch the excuses, ...live life NOW. '

My Now! list
  1. Gather all my friends and have a huge happy bbq
  2. Travel to as many countries (Taiwan, Japan, Spain, Greece, Egypt, Africa, or visit the wonders of the world before they disappear)
  3. Do volunteer work overseas
  4. Make at least one person happy each day
  5. Go for The Journey
  6. Bake, bead, or whatever else at my own pace
  7. Learn how to swim
  8. Pick up modern dance
  9. Be a good daughter, and a better friend
  10. Always think of people's intentions behind their actions before judging
  11. Volunteer for WWF (animals, not wrestling)
  12. Start and continue my "to be thankful" list and not take others for granted
  13. Be fit and not think i'm fat
  14. To find a job i really like, or passion i'd like to live out
What would u want to live for now? Go on, give it some thought!

thinking out loud at 12:22 AM 0 more thots


Thursday, May 25, 2006

random bits off my head

how much of our past do we carry forward? my answer is that, well, we carry all of it forward. its jus a matter of how much we let history affect the present or future thats all. no matter how hard you try to put the past behind you, it'll definitely catch up with you one day.

i carry alot of my past around, and its definitely one heavy load i get tired of carrying along sometimes. which was probably why we felt right together, cos i could sometimes 'offload' some of this rubbish and take a breather. cos i guess he was one person whom i trusted enough to want to open up to. but maybe this opening up was too little, too late. when u're friends with someone and u open up, tats one issue. but when u get together with someone and want to open up, i guess its different, cos its kinda like getting to know the person all over again. its in many ways like getting out of your comfort zone, cos there's simply too much at stake too. cos when u let go of yourself and start to love wholeheartedly, u yourself become more fragile and vulnerable. as u can tell, this transition from 'me' to 'us' wasn't that easy for me.

i'm not so much of a 'live in the past' sort, nor am i the sort to really 'plan for the future', simply because i live in the present and much of me is spent actually living out the present. while i hope for better things in the future, or reminisce on the past, the present is where i really belong in. and the present refers to the very moment i am in at that particular point in time.

guess i'll never understand why u chose this path, to let 'us' go at this point in time. i do understand to a certain extent why we need to take this path, and yet sometimes i don't quite. i just know that i love being with you, and jus simply want to be with you. i just want to walk down this section of my road with you. but why do things btwn us always have that complicated twist to it? maybe its just the way it is. my friend said tat if it were simple and uncomplicated, won't it be so boring? hahha warped i know, and while i'd rather not sufffer this pain, i know tat wat she meant was that i'd have something to look back fondly on, to laugh at silly me (and u), which will put that slight smile on our faces, knowing tat wat we shared was special. and she's right. i already do.

the past 2 nights, i've been haunted by dreams, or you might call them nightmares. not the sort where u wake up suddenly to discover you were crying, or feel so scared, but the sort tat just isn't happy. i'm really bad at recalling dreams so unless u're really free, don't ask. haha. cos i can picture it in my head, but yet i'm unable to articulate it into words.

how much of yourself do u really understand? does understanding yourself really help? yes to a certain extent. but there are sooo many other situations and incidences waiting out there to catch you unaware or to bring out yet another side to you, so i guess u yourself really won't know yourself that well after all. Guess the only thing you can do would be to predict.

but i understand myself enough to know that i'm prone to screwing up. maybe even coming onto this earth is my screw up. maybe i was meant to be elsewhere, or someone else, but cos i screwed up i'm now here and paying for it. 'divine retribution' as my HR lecturer once put it. and now, i'm wondering wat else i screwed up. did i screw up by starting a blog? did i screw up by acting the way i did? did i screw up by being influenced by others? should i have followed my heart? did i screw up by changing? by not realising things went wrong soon enough? by still refusing to let go 100%? by still wishing and wishing that time can turn back always? u might wonder why i beat myself up abt such seeminly minute and unimportant questions, but still, these are some of the countless things running thru my head when i think. which is why writing lets me put these thoughts out, and helps me remember wat i thot, cos otherwise these fleeting and yet nagging thots will never be remembered for wat they are worth. although in a matter of time, these will fade, and be of no consequence to anyone, not even me.

but for now, i'm still lost in time and space, like a kite trying very hard to find my anchor, which can help me find some constancy, stability, security and reassurance, and yet give me the freedom, flexibility, ability and courage to fly, soar, and reach straight up so that we can sit amongst the stars.

thinking out loud at 7:39 AM 1 more thots


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

of time and of waiting

my friend and i have this theory. its about time and waiting. basically it goes like this: all your life, you spend almost every minute of it waiting for someone, something. you wait to be conceived, you wait to be born, you wait to grow up, you wait to fall sick, you wait for the school bus to go to school, you wait to get results, you wait to buy food, you wait to try clothes, you wait for the love of ur life, you wait to get the job of your dreams, you wait for transport (think taxi queues at night when u're feet hurt like hell and all u wan to do is to go home), you wait for the weekend, you wait for your kids to grow up, you wait for retirement, you wait to die. did i forget to mention you also have to wait and queue to the toilet?

wait wait wait.

wait wait.

wait.

so what are u waiting for?

i'm not sure wat else i'm waiting for either. Just tat i'm now so restless and out of sorts and moody and tired. yet another big day at pertapis coming up tomorrow though. and sincere apologies to my team because right now i'm simply not in the mood to worry abt pertapis. nor the piles of work i've been conveniently dumped with. so i guess there'll be more waiting, and waiting, and waiting. waiting for class to start, waiting for thurs to come, waiting for work to end, waiting to heal, waiting for the day i won't cry when i think of us, waiting for a new job opportunity, waiting for the weekend to come, waiting for payday...the list doesn't seem to end does it?

but i think wats impt is not tat we always have to wait. but wat are those things tat are actually worth our time waiting for? for one, i don't mind waiting for you. u might think this is pressurising, but please don't think of it so. cos this is wat i am doing willingly on my part. wats impt is tat i'm waiting for you to be finally ok, and be finally rid of whatever you are unsure of, so that u can move forward and find your own happiness. Cos for someone as special as you are, you deserve your slice of happiness. Til that day comes, i won't be able to stop worrying or thinking about you.

thinking out loud at 8:00 AM 1 more thots


Its been a week

in many ways writing how i feel here is my way of getting to know me, and hopefully for him to know me at his pace? just wish i had started earlier, instead of after all this has happened. its also my way of sorting things thru and coming to terms that i won't be able to hold him, see him, as often as being a couple entitles u to. i wonder how long i'll take?

i often wonder how i managed to sustain my past relationships, cos back then i didn't know or understand myself or the other party as much. but as many of you might say, well shuyun, at least u've loved and been in love. yeah yeah i know i know, but saying is one thing, and being in the midst of it and going thru it day in day out is another issue all together you know? i guess you do too. i wish i could be next to you and comfort u, support u, and tell u again tat everything was going to be ok. i wish someone would do the same for me.

Counting down til we next meet. i can't wait.

thinking out loud at 7:51 AM 0 more thots


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

it gets harder the later it gets

its kinda late, and usually at this time i'd jus come back from our dates and head straight to bed after i've called him to make sure he's on his way home. it jus seems so weird not having to do that, or seeing him on a weekday. its so much harder not to think of him at night, and you don't really want to bother other ppl cos they are probably resting or sick and tired of hearing me out.

in either case, i've got to put up a brave front so that they'll not worry. i got to tell u, its really tough. so at night, when u don't have to pretend to be ok and cheery, and when natural you comes out, all the emotions come out as well. wistful, lonely, tired, but u can't sleep, sad, guilty, full of regrets, lost, heartache, and thinking back about the not-so-past past.

deep down, pessimistic me is constantly at work..will he be mad at me for thinking abt him? will he be ok? how is he feeling? will we ever be happy? as friends? wats our destiny? why did i do wat i did and cause this pain? retribution? it does seem tat all this was my fault. why didn't i see it coming? would things have been different then? will i get over him? has he gotten over me? why am i always so insecure? will he think i'm not giving him space if i message him on msn or sms? will he start hating tat i keep bugging him? if i accidentally still call him honey is tat ok with him? or does tat make him uncomfortable?

why do i have so many questions? i dunno myself. maybe insecure me also is taking an active part in all this. plus lovesick me, worried me, and a whole host of other 'me's are most unfortunately still at work. sometimes i do feel happy tat we are getting somewhere, but at times like now, its gotta be classified as a Grade A Shitty feeling.

but one side definitely hasn't surfaced. and tat is angry me. somehow she hasnt been around, cos maybe she knows tat she isn't needed and decided to take a break. just as well i guess..some parts of me have got to take a break, right?

its all so complicated isn't it? WHoever up there is on duty tonight, please help me get through the nights easier..i need all the help (divine or otherwise) i can get.

thinking out loud at 11:36 PM 0 more thots


For you who matters

i can't stop thinking abt him. i really can't. gosh. i really really want to stop, but i really really can't. i'm sorry.. but it sometimes just drives me nuts, knowing that he's nearby, but yet oh so far away.

jus flipped thru my diary, and realised tat we lasted for all but 2 flips of the pages. time for regrets? for pain? for nostalgia? i dunno, but it jus makes me really sad.

but in this mad confusion of life, how do u ever know who's the one for you? why must there be only one by the way? but why do we always go on this quest to find the one for us? who is the one? wat makes him the one? a feeling? an emotion? tat is more often than not irrational?

but then why do we also always pursue logic and rationality (is there such a word?)? then if u marry leh? how do u know that he will be the one? isn't it sad if one day u were to wake up and discover to your horror that the man or lady sleeping next to u isn't the one u were meant to be with? what if 10yrs back you really truely believe that he or she was the one for you, but now u discovered that he or she wasn't? then what would u do? would u regret it? would u go and find the one tat u shld be with? while living a lie cos u don't love him anymore? but for the sake of your family, u stay with each other? or do u stay cos of the comfort level, or cos u don't want to cause any hurt? but in doing so u yourself are unhappy and start to resent this sort of relationship and life?

whatever happened to good ol fashioned love and romance? why is it so hard to find tat special someone? what if we found tat someone and he wasn't meant to be yours? what if you found him but didn't know it was him? and u missed your chance to happiness? but wait, why does being with the one guarantee happiness? what if it doesn't bring u happiness?

sigh. i don't know. i wish i did. at least it might clear up some space in my head.

speaking of spaces in heads, i went for the launch of the t-rex exhibition at science centre cos my mom's a board member. so me and fion went along cos it was free anyway. hmmm i finally got to see our president up close and personal and in my heart i was thanking him for not growing the grass at sentosa properly such that i ended up slipping on a patch without grass and dislocated my knee. grrr. but he's still a nice fella who really cares for his grandkids.

so anyway i was one of the privileged few to see Sue and Stan, tho they were just casts of the skeletons and had spaces in their heads. but i guess no one would really want to meet them if they were in the flesh, alive and breathing. imagine...in one bite they can chomp off 230kg of meat and bones.. so to them, i'm jus but a tiny morsel..a snack..a potato chip.. for once i feel light and insignificant.

And yes, compared to alot of other things, we are but small insignificant specks, which will diminish with the unrelentless force of time. But it doesn't change the fact that u still matter lots and lots to me. Miss u much.

thinking out loud at 2:18 PM 1 more thots


Monday, May 22, 2006

The considerate director

my personal DNA: a Considerate Director.

about you
You are a Director.
As a director, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
You are open to new types of experiences – you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
You have a highly developed sense of taste – you know what looks good on you, in your home, and in the world at large.
You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.

how you relate to others
You are Considerate
You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you considerate.
You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
Your close friends know you as a good listener.
You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
If you want to be different:
Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

A truely unbelievably long test, but hmmm.. so far i think it seems quite true. what do u think?

thinking out loud at 2:51 PM 0 more thots


One step at a time?

Through the past week, i realise one thing everyone says is tat i shld take one step at a time, and tat time will heal it all. But one step towards where? How? Go where? There are so many possibilities, so much so tat its endless, and from my perspective, extremely scary and makes me kinda hesitant too. Not that i'm comfy where i am right now, but then when u have so many paths (career, relationship, etc) to choose from (many of which are crossroads), u just can't help but feel so lost and alone.

so many changes, in such a small spate of time. Its like a huge wave that hits you, knocking u off ur feet, forcing all the air out of your lungs such that u can't breathe. The more u struggle, the more frantic and panicky you get. And while u're so frightened and scared, u still have to find it in u to calm down and stay afloat, otherwise there marks the end of your time on this earth. And precisely because u're so afraid, the harder it is for you to be in the right frame of mind such tat you can operate in the best way possible out of the situation. You know very well that if u don't, u'll drown, but u're so very afraid tat even if you try, u fail.

Breathe yun yun, breathe. Pick up the pieces, find yourself again, as you have always been able to. its not easy i know, but courage, my love! courage! You won't be able to be as in control as you would have liked, but enjoy this feeling of uncertainty, simply because it promises of better things to come. Cos..if ure already in a rut, things can't get any worse and can only get better right? Cheery up honey, you've got such a long way to go. Just as you have faith in others around you, have a lil faith in you. Do what you would do naturally. Just be your natural self. Just follow your heart. Cos its a good one. And you know that too.

thinking out loud at 1:53 PM 0 more thots


Sunday, May 21, 2006

Thank god for you

i never envisioned that we would break up, nor tat we would patch up so fast after it (as in fix our friendship), and even grow closer after it. but it has. then again i think to myself..why does it have to take a break up to make us do this? i guess its just the way nature works..its like how natural disasters work...cos after the destruction (like volcano or tsunami) is over, it reveals the most beautiful and pure side to tat area which was previiously in shambles and devastation, even better than it was before. luckily, i belonged to the category which recovered and became better, instead of those which were just left in their devastated state. *shudder* i'd hate to think of wat i'd do if tat happened instead.

but did u know? u inspire me to be alot of things..u inspire me to want to pick up new hobbies, to live out my dreams, to be a better person, to be nicer, kinder and more patient to others around me, to show my appreciation to others around me more, to want to find out more abt u and us, to plan ahead, to start believing tat i have it in me to succeed in whatever i want to do, and most importantly, u inspire me to be me.

and for that, thank you.

while we're on the subject of thinking, my friend gave me some homework, and made me think of the things tat i have to be thankful for. this is definitely going to be a really long list i can assure u hahhaha. and it won't be as short (or interesting) as the thank-yous they do at the Grammys or the Oscars! But its soemthing that i have to do, and it'll be a list that can only grow longer, and this time round, it'll be a list i constantly refer to, to remind me, to put me in place, to reassure me, and to get me back on my feet if i need to.

i do have lots to be thankful to, like my mom, my friends, my bed, and even myself hahahaha. And once again, thank you, for being you so that i can be me, so that we can go ahead, learn and grow together, no matter where this road will lead us. i'm going to sooooo miss u, really honestly i will, and my aching heart is here to stay for a lil while longer, but you know what? you're still the best thing tat has ever happened to me.

thinking out loud at 11:17 PM 0 more thots


Friday, May 19, 2006

Ordinary people

[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
[Bridge]
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 2]
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
[Bridge]
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 3]
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

Cos..we're just ordinary people..

thinking out loud at 8:01 AM 1 more thots


Thursday, May 18, 2006

slowly, painfully, but surely

have u ever felt this ache in ur heart when u think of someone? its this funny feeling like ur heart is being squashed, and then u are overcome by an overwhelmingly strong urge to cry, and of course u usually end up crying?

the kleenex manufacturers must be very pleased with their sales this month, considering the container loads of tissue tat i have used to soak up the buckets of tears and mucous hahah.

for now, i'm on this valley shaped emotional rollercoaster (can u imagine the shape of a valley)? well i'm still on the downward slope..hopefully i'll reach the bottom pit soon so i can start to climb back up again.

but i also can't help but wonder how he is doing, cos this sort of sad feeling is something i won't even wan to wish upon my enemies (if any haha). but whatever decision u choose to make, whatever answer u have really has to be what u really truly believe in ok? while i'm still in the process of gettin used to, i'd feel even worse otherwise. right now, i'll be busy getting to know my friend lots better, and caring for him too, cos tats wat friends are for right? but u noe, as i grow older (sadly so) i realise tat i have to work doubly, triply hard to make sure my relationships (friends, family etc) work, because the effort tat goes into it rewards me in many ways tat i can't stop marvelling at. for all of u who have somewhat or other shared with me parts of your life, thank you, and i sincerely hope i'm somehow managed to make ur life tat bit better.

damn..my fingers are numb from cutting cardboard..cos we're having a workshop with pertapis children's home today, and we're teaching them how to make craft so they can sell at their carnival. hahah this is incidentally not totally because we refuse to help them sell coupons ok..but we're teaching them a skill here ma..right? then next time no need to make me sell coupons ma..=0p

work's come to a standstill for the moment, cos i really can't quite concentrate on it. so luckily pertapis is a welcome break from the usual things i handle at work. and thankfully, my bosses are understanding (ahhaha my regional manager specifically told me not to listen to sad love songs and watch some movie like MI3 or something hheheh).

so..once again, in the words of mun mun (the wise woman hahah), ''it's not going to easy, take a deep deep deep breath and get ready to go through it! with everyone ard you , you definetely can! like LOTR ........chiong arh!!!"

and because of u, i definitely will.

thinking out loud at 11:36 AM 1 more thots


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

This road called my life

today marks the day tat i have to learn to stand up by myself after a fall. somehow, when i saw the sun this morning, i thank god or whoever was up there that whatever happened brought me closer to 2 of the most important ppl in my life. him, and mom. Painful yes, but in me, i know that i'd be ok. the scariest bit of it all is that only u can help yourself, and its a path that only you can walk down. there may be many people out there who can accompany u on and off, but ultimately, u're on ur own long road to recovery.

mun mun said tat i'm now like yiyi's bruise..nw i'm in the black zone, but soon i'll be in the purple, then the green, then yellow and before i know it, there won't be any bruise anymore. but only time will tell when tat day will come, and its irritating isn't it? cos time is something u can't control.

grappling with ur own emotions is something everyone goes through everyday isn't it? but why is it that not many of us can do well, since its something innate in all of us anyway? i guess its cos we weren't taught or even allowed an outlet to express how we feel without causing someone else to feel hurt, or misunderstood. but u know..i'll walk towards the light tat i see shining..not the one at the end of the tunnel, but the rays tat peek out from the darkest clouds which threaten to storm and pour. and like wat u once said, And this too, shall pass.

thinking out loud at 10:56 AM 0 more thots