Friday, June 30, 2006

dreaming of you..whoever you are..

i don't like having dreams.

when they are bad dreams, they usually mean tat something bad is going to happen. and it usually does. more often than not.

when they are good dreams, i don't remember them. and neither do they come true as well.

then there are the weird dreams. which are..jus simply really strange.

last nights dream.. it was on a wedding. half of it i seem to be the bride. the other half i wasn't the bride. but there was one part tat was v sweet. halfway thru the wedding the bride ran off to find the groom, like pretend to run away fr everyone liddat. then the 2 of them snuck off somewhere and were jus like laughing by themselves. i could see the 2 of them run down stairs, i even rem she took shoes. its my min min ones. aka the miu miu ones.

then after tat right..dunno why but the bride took a bus, and had to walk to some where which was aparently a church tat they were gonna get married at. i rem someone said the groom was roman catholic. then while walking to the church, got ppl selling things along the street. one lady and her kid on the left, there was one aunty squatting on the right, begging ppl to buy stuff, and quite a few others. it was a london style setting. the clobbered roads and all tat. then at the back of the church got this pastry counter. got this girl makng some pie of something la then we started talking. which was strange cos tat pt i was the bride. like why would i be talking to her right when i shld be getting ready to get married.

some parts i can see really clearly. i can see now but can't quite put it into words. just damn weird la. bleah.
today is mun's last day. last time we'll have bfast in the pantry..last time we'll have to wait for her to leave office together..last time she will spill my tea leaves all over the floor..eheh..sian..

lots of staff leaving the company..fr all the other countries as well..either on their own, or they got the sack. quite depressing..most of the staff leaving are new staff who have joined the company for at most 2 yrs? will i be next?

Did yet another test. normallly i won't do such xiao jie sounding tests, but i need to de stress before i plunge straight into work.

22% Ariel: Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.
11% Mulan: Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.
22% Snow white: Pure and trusting. You are a gentle soul who can get along with just about anyone. Everyone you meet instantly falls in love with you. How can they resist? You have a pure, lovable nature that's irresistable. Just don't trust everyone who comes across your path.
11% Sleeping beauty: Thoughtful and loving. Authority figures probably have been sheltering you all of your life. Thankfully you're a very tranquil person who is content with what life has given you, but secretly you want to know how the outside world works.
33% Pocahontas: Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

thinking out loud at 9:17 AM 1 more thots


Thursday, June 29, 2006

simple Calculations

i'm counting down to something. but to wat exactly, i really have no idea. to the end of yet another day at work? to the weekend? to when i'd see him next? to the end of the month? to when i'd finally be really ok? to my birthday? to 2007? to when i make my first 1 million bucks? to my future? whatever it may be? i really have no idea.

counting down seems to bring hope. count down to the days to your next holiday, to the new year, to the time you see your loved ones. counting down gets more extreme (well, emotions-wise) when THE DAY approaches. tat is, if u noe exactly when THE DAY is.

there seems to be so much to hope for. there seems to be even more to live for. i don't know if its cos i've had a comfy life so far, but i can't seem to find any goal in life. (i got asked this qn in the car today by my company's chairman) is it strange if all i just want is to be happy, and lead a meaningful life? then again, the word 'meaningful' in itself is ambiguous. happiness too. cos these aren't measurables. they're intangibles.

but since when does life have to be measured in such a fashion? ppl measure how great their life has been by the no of successful kids they've raised, by the size of their cars, by material goods, academic certs, pay, etc etc. fair enough, cos most of the time, these things are achieved thru ur hard work and effort. (but those of u who have read the article in female? or her world? on how rich girls stay rich will beg to differ haha)

why dont we count up anyways? like in dance, we say 5, 6, 7, 8, 1, 2, 3, 4... cos.. then again, when u countdown, it somehow signals the end of something, rather than the start of it?

i'm counting down. shld i? yes, i'm still counting down. to my very last breath. only then, will i stop counting down.
3........
2.....
....

thinking out loud at 11:32 PM 0 more thots


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

ppl have mid life crisis. mine's mid week =0p

oh my god i'm damn freaking stressed. had so many things to worry abt and settle today..pdt registration la, queries la, documentation, entire report on cancer supplements, the list never ends. then now i'm trying to mug for a 'test' tom..a $60 000 test..on thermometers.. with SIA.. i'd better not fail this one.. it feels like i'm sitting for the A levels all over again.. i'm overly worrying..

argh (this is where u picture my 'argh' emoticon...the one with tears streaming down its face, and its waving its er paws? hands? in the air)

had a super good laugh today at the white table..abt guys' names, and wat not to name your sons. hhahaha we concluded tat no matter wat u name ur son, it doesn't matter. cos tat name can be used to name a particular part of the male anatomy, cos guys probably do tat. so its jus a mattter of making the name less obviously associated with it. hehhehe

then..its the mid week. the time when i start to miss him the most-est cos its not like u're gonna see him any time soon, and yet its been quite some time after you last saw him. and at this pt..well almost everything reminds u of him. wasn't this missing thing supposed to go away!!! it sure isn't!!!

argh (same emoticon again) heheh i love tat emoticon.

played squashie with car and tj. hahha super funny game, very comical man. hehehhe. realised my reflexes were alot faster than i thot it could ever be. well it had better be when u have tat damn ball coming straight at u at like 100km/hr. got another game coming up tom. hope i wont die by the time friday comes. hahha

looked at my face in the mirror. was soooo grossed out by the condition of my skin. sigh. i look tired, haggard, old, ugly, pimply, wrinkled, any other words to add on? tell me please. my brain's thesaurus has switched off for the night. bleah. i better work harder at getting tat anti-ageing skincare range out. eheh.

ok tired of thinking and writing. shall read up for tom.. listen to my songs.. this one here is soemthing tat i really like.. and cos the lyrics mean something to me.
Return To Innocence - Enigma
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and miss the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
That's the return to innocence

this..sounds like something i shld be doing. sounds like something we all shld be doing.

argh (hehhehe couldn't resist it)

thinking out loud at 2:04 PM 0 more thots


Tuesday, June 27, 2006

because i accept because i love.

its the 27th today, and would have been our 3rd mth together. wah. 3rd only leh, seems like a really long time ago since we first got together?? hahha but yet fast too, cos we've really been thru quite a bit since the beginning of this year, haven't we? i feel like its the end of the year already and i'm taking stock of wat has happened. but nope..guess wat guys, we're only in June..another halfway more to go! hmmm which also means..tat it would have been my 4? 4.5th year with my ex ex? hahha. watever.

been thinking lots abt life, and love. one thing i learnt is the importance of acceptance. when u accept, u understand, and then u empathise, and then u compromise, and forgive. when u accept, both yourself and the other party, you accept each others faults, appreciate the good in each other and urself. u're at peace with urself, and with your partner.

loving someone to me means many things. loving someone means its easy for you to accept and overlook their faults, and having the ability to always want the best for tat someone, and wanting to make the other party happy, cos when they are happy, u'd be happy too. its unconditional. and u always are wondering if that person is at his best at every moment. if u love someone, you love that someone simply cos u love him. and there is nothing else the other person needs to do for you to love him. cos u already do. no other explanation is required.

but accepting yourself helps u remember that u're still the most impt person in ur own life, and u won't be blaming urself when things go wrong. yes, maybe there were things u could have done better. yes, maybe there were things that u shld or shldn't have done. yes, maybe this, maybe that. maybe.

the pt is..one of the keys to love is simply acceptance. accepting tat u are human and make mistakes, that other ppl are but human, and their so called failings are part of the fact tat they are human. so actually, these failings aren't failings at all. and we have to accept tat abt ourselves and others.

u accept tat there are times things will go wrong, times when things will go right, times tat when things are bad, it can only turn for the better, etc etc etc. accepting that u can't please anyone and everyone, or even urself 100% of the time, tat others can't do the same for you, etc etc etc. u accept tat there are times u will let others down, and that sometimes ppl will disappoint u, tat ur friends lil habits are nothing more than habit, tat u've got nasty habits tat ur frens hate but jus accept it anyway, etc etc etc. accepting tat wats meant to be is meant to be, tat things may never ever go the way u want it too, tat the worst case scenario u thot of turned out worse than u thot, or tat the expectation tat u had turned out even better than u had hoped, even if it means u'd have to accept the fact tat u might have to wait out a lil longer than u expected.

i'm still trying to figure something out tho. on one hand, u shld only answer to urself, cos u're the only one living ur own life. but yet, i can't jus be selfish and not bother abt others ard me. cos they in one way or another constitute me as a person. i know tat i shld be selfish, and jus concentrate on making myself happy, but then when others matter alot to u, i can't help but ignore me and concentrate on them so tat maybe they'd feel a lil better, have a nicer day, or something. jus like how i can't jus say screw it all! i'm migrating! i'm leaving this place! bah i don't care about all of this anymore! and jus drop everything now and do as i please. cos i've got to answer to many ppl, even tho theoretically, i don't really have to.

so...once again..balance is the key? jialat. so many keys tat we have to hold on to. how will we ever remember which key is for wat? and which key to come in first? why is everything so complicated? or is it me complicating things?

watched cars jus now, and wat came to mind was how things always seem so simple, and always work out so well in the end. which i think, is really sweet and good but my god, compared to wat i go thru, its UNREALISTICALLY UNREAL. things don't always work out tat well! there isnt such a thing called a perfect ending. maybe cos there isn't such a thing, tat we always try to create it somewhere (like in movies) to create hope? maybe.

well anyways it was a nice show, amazing graphic work (i thot the flea in the spoof of a bug's life was super cute), hahha and yes i'm probably one of the last few ppl to catch the movie. heh.

was so stressed at work today, cos of a scare, which was quickly overcome with indignance. hahah. watever.

i accept my fate. but not resign myself to it. somehow i rem having this conversation abt accepting vs resigning fate. there is a difference, remember?

thinking out loud at 11:47 PM 0 more thots


Monday, June 26, 2006

dancing in the moonlight

today was quite a funny day. funny as in laughter, jokes, tat sort of funny, and not funny as in weird. at lunch today, mun was going to tell us a joke. but she jus started on it, and yiyi started giggling non stop already. whahhahah in the end all of us burst out laughing, so hard tat mun had to wipe her tears. and the joke actually wasn't really tat funny. cute, but not hysterical. not as hysterical as we were being. ehehhehe.

so, for tat i'm grateful. for the funny-ness of my frens, for the ability to laugh, for the chance to bond over laughter over lunch. its going to be one of the last few lunches the 4 of us have. and this will be one of the lunches i'll remember for a long time to come.

i think this is something tat i treasure in this company. the camaraderie between us girls is something quite precious i think. even between boss and us, there is a certain degree of friendship, maybe cos all of us are 'of the same generation' whhahaha. whatever it is, it is certainly something tat i am thankful for (most of the time at least. sometimes certain ppl do cross certain boundaries..u noe wat i mean..eck i'm forever disturbed by it).

i'll miss working with u guys..bitching, complaining, laughing, sharing this part of our lives with each other, thinking of idea after idea, making change after change..yep..definitely will miss u guys..

there's been an extraordinary large number of funerals going on these few months. i'm not the only one who says so..many of my frens also have been attending wake after wake. *sigh* i'm not being insensitive here, but i really am grateful tat i don't have to attend any wakes of anyone who matters to me. its bad enuff when i attended the wake a few weeks back. i don't think i will be able to handle any deaths just yet. i can't bear the thought of everyone leaving me, one by one. til all is left is me, and just me. true, loneliness is but a condition of a heart. u can be lonely even tho u're in a room totally filled with ppl, or really comfy jus being by yourself. i know how both feel like, but me being me, i still prefer being ard ppl who matter to me. i guess humans generally would like to be ard other ppl. cos we're afterall social animals by nature.

well happy quotient for today is relatively high. nearly fell asleep tho while having a meeting with the big boss cos i was super schleepy. then went back and chilled out in front of the tee-bee, complete with 2 slices of boston special pizza and a sample of a slimming tea i'm developing hehhe. great dinner, i'm contented. even tho i'm already starting to feel hungry. damnit the tea doens't work!! grrr. then heard a song tat i performed to long ago. made me think of my dance steps and i miss dancing!! not the clubbing type, but the modern kind, even the chinese sort hahha. those were the good ol days.

thinking out loud at 11:31 PM 0 more thots


the road less travelled.

took the wrong bus to work today. and ended up having to walk the equivalence fo 2 busstops to take the bus to work. result? toner calf and thigh muscles with matching muscle ache. but heng man..cos office was locked..couldn't open the door and had to call the locksmith in..so officially i was really really early for work. heh.

went for 2 dinners over the weekend, but somehow nothing quite beat the bfast i had this morning. simple fare, woke up extraordinarily early but happily so. thankful for a great way to kickstart the extremely long week, esp cos its one of my colleague's last week at work. =0(

over the past few days, been going on roads/routes i'd normally not take or go to. got tired of the normal route, so tried soemthing new. but like this morning, went pass this cool lil place, and somehow ended up taking the wrong bus. whahhaha exploration 101 gone haywire. hahah happened on saturday too. cos was by myself, and just decided to speed down portsdown road and somehow ended up at the opposite side of the expressway. but hahah quite fun la, saw things, ppl, places i either never saw before, or tat i brushed aside last time. so in a way being alone sorta trains u to be on a higher alert mode than u'd be if u were with others.

went for my fren's wedding yest, nothing quite beats going to weddings cos they reaffirm that happiness and love does exist. tat the impossible does happen, tat if 2 ppl tried hard enuff, things will work out. congrats to u 2! fren looked positively stressed, but i think by now tat stress would have dissolved into thankfulness and just tons of feelings for his new bride. watched as he re-enacted his proposal, and then watching how he kenna tekan at the dinner by everyone, jus felt so xin fu for his bride. she's quite lucky, cos fr wat i noe of my fren, he'll definitely take very good care of his wife and family. tho he's not really the type to be super expressive abt it. lucky lucky her!

always thot tat married couples or couples who haave been together for a long time shld attend weddings, cos it evokes warm feelings and makes u see ur partner in a sorta diff light. like, it refreshes things, puts things back in perspective, makes u be thankful tat u've got someone by ur side. but think tat is more so if u went for the church wedding i think. esp when they exchange vows? cos chinese weddings tend to be more boisterous, and more of a happy, loud affair to bring up the mood, rather than sweet and touching, if u get wat i mean..

but tat might seem strange coming from someone who still questions the whole concept of marriage. still haven't really understood why we have to get married. but then again when u can't even find the one to be with, then its either tat marriage becomes a matter of convenience, or u're just really lucky to be able to legalise the union btwn u and ur partner isn't it? yet so many ppl want to get married, have kids. guess at the end of the day, wat matters most is tat u have a family to go home to. not the extended one, but one tat u personally created. marriage is questionable, but yet ppl question u when u don't marry, or do wat ppl call co-habiting. why can't 2 ppl be together jus cos they want to be together, without having governing laws to further tie them together?

well maybe cos its been drilled into us, tat after sch, we shld go to work, then get married, have kids etc. and cos of some unknown reason, society frowns upon long term relationships with the intimacy of a marriage without its official (and officious) stamp. for 2, it gives both party some sort of security and ownership. as in, in the case of a divorce, u have something to fight for (like tat 2 carat diamond ring u gave when u proposed, or the sprawling mansion complete with 1 lambo, 2 ferraris, and maybe 5 jags? hahha), and ownership in tat no other man or woman is lawfully allowed to be part of this relationship. as in, if u got married, and there was THE OTHER WOMAN or MAN, u'd be able to assert ur rights legally by suing or something i guess. u have more of a right, as a husband or wife, as compared to when u're just dating. but isn't it sad tat the marriage cert protects u from the ill falls of marriage (like infidelity)? its like stopping negative behaviour, rather than encouraging positive ones. *shrug*

but despite this, while a part of me doesn't really wanna get married, or have kids or watever, i know that i'd still wanna get thru with all this fan fare. cos i think tat everyone has a romantic side to them, and the romantic in me still dreams of the day when 1) i can once again fall in love with and find someone who i think can walk thru the rest of our lives with 2) get thru the hell known as wedding preparation and pre-wedding jitters 3) look at him and confirm once and for all, tat he really truly is the one 4) and do the same 10, 20, 30, 40, years down the road.

but for now, courage don't desert me. you were so sweet yesterday and gave me the courage to do something i wouldnt have done if left to myself. and thank you for that.. =0)

so now, my dear heart, u have to buck up and be able to do the same for me, to give me whatever courage i'll need whenever i'm abt to falter. calling lil miss brave..stop hiding and kindly report to work!! like now? now now now!

thinking out loud at 10:23 AM 0 more thots


Saturday, June 24, 2006

your smile

When I See You Smile - Firehouse
Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you.
I just wouldn't have a clue.
'Cause sometimes it seems like this world is closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free,
And then I see you reach for me
Sometimes I want to give up,
Wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight,
And then I see you baby,
And everything's alright.
Everything's alright
(Chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
See a ray of light
Oh see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me.
Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
it's like nothing that I ever knew.
Hey
And when the rain is falling I don't feel it
'Cause you're here with me now I want to answer
baby It's all I'll ever need.
It's all I'll ever need
(Chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile baby
Baby when I see you smile at me.
Sometimes I want to give up, I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight, then one look at you baby,
and everything's alright.
Hey
Everything's alright so right
(Chorus)
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything yeah
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining right through the rain

thinking out loud at 11:50 PM 0 more thots


/e6

one happy thing yest: big boss said he was impressed by my previous report..so he finally realises i do do work ard the office..cos am speaking to my boss now and he told me..so quite glad la, and cos he once again stood up for me lor.

not sure wat today holds..then again i haven't been sure wat each day holds or will bring. u noe how sometimes u wake up feeling extraordinarily happy and knowing wat to expect? i miss tat feeling.

its raining once again. it sounds like its going to storm cos the wind is hitting against the windows really hard and making it shake. kinda scary. makes u wanna dive deep and huddle under the covers and just hide there til u poke ur nose out and see tat everything is indeed ok.

been writing quite a bit these few days. seems tat writing is the only way for me now to get things off my chest. don't really wanna burden my frens with stuff, cos not very fair la. tho they always say tat its ok with them and tat they'd always be there. yeah i know, and thank you for tat, but still not very nice la.

so when i write, its not as much for ppl to read how i feel, but more so for me to jus throw watever i am feeling at this pt out. still feeling abit funny cos a few of my frens said tat i'm no longer the girl i used to be. like..duh..obviously ma..yes, maybe i've mellowed even more, quietened down and have become somewat a shadow of my normal self, but i can't pretend and act like i'm ok when i'm not right?

lets not talk abt wats happening now. at any other time, if something were to happen to me, and i were still reeling in from wat happen, i'd also not be like who i used to be in front of everyone wat. i'm still who i am. just tat its a diff side of me, tats all. a side that i don't really show, or get a chance to show, or just don't really want to show?

i don't really like to spoil other ppl's mood too, but sometimes u're so caught up in ur own emotions u can't help it de lor. its really very xin ku to have to pretend to be happy, bubbly, cheery when u're not leh. and when u have to deal with urself, the last thing u wanna deal with is other ppl's expectations of u, or how u shld be like, especially in difficult times. i don't need sympathy, i really don't cos i'm not dead yet nor is anyone else, tho empathy would be enough, or just accepting and understanding that i'm going thru alot out now, and that your company is more than enough for me cos i do realise tat all of u want me to be ok and have best intentions. but i mean, i can't help but think of wat happened wat..or think of him wat..or miss him wat..i'm human ok..as human as they come.

bleah watever. jus gonna write wat i wanna write, do wat i wanna do and try to preoccupy this extremely, over zealous and hardworking mind i have. and tat includes thinking, missing, reminiscing but trying hard to also look for me, for confronting my fears and insecurities, for recognising all that i'm worth, being a good friend to my friends cos they've actually been very supportive and just very sweet, and for wat matters and wat doesn't. and yes i'm going to continue missing and thinking abt you for some time. and there isn't anything u can do abt it, cos i like thinking abt u, so tats jus wat i'll do. whahahaha =0p

on a side note: happy thing today? actually more of a funny thing la. fren and me ended up buying the exact same dress, in same size, same price (heng raffles city no discount man), just at diff times (but in a matter of 4 days?), diff place, diff occassion (but we're wearing it for 2 different weddings). so qiao right? hahah interestingly, she was jus describing it to me and i was telling her abt the dress i bought too. eheh. wat can i say...great minds think alike..hahha

saw this test on fren's blog so went to try it out. surprise surprise. don't quite know wat to make of it.

◎Your life is represented by the lucky diamond, courageous and organized. You can make a fortune with your great talent and creativity. You like people who is well-behaved and wise and you also live an elegant life with good taste, which makes you an unique person of artistic temperament.

◎Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the diamond, not only pretty, yet with femininity. You were born naturally elegant and will enjoy a comfortable lifestyle with a great taste in life. Diamonds are often brightly displayed in glass cabinet, so you have the extraordinary qualities of an artistic spirit, and are often pampered and treated as the center of attention This may lead you to have fickle, lazy characteristics. Others feel you are not easy to get along with because you are quickly unhappy when your idea isn't followed, and you don't apologize.

The diamond has the highest degree of hardness, so you may be a bit stubborn but also full of justice and fairness. You like intelligent people with artistic talent and dislike hypocrites. You admire those who are willing to sacrifice and dedicate themselves to others with a sense of justice. In your entire life, many individuals are destined to help you in the difficult times because of your previous charitable acts and virtuous character. You are able to live a good life in the present life, so keep this in mind and always help others.

◎There is a background difference between you and your love partner, so it's not easy for him to really understand you. The things you care about he might think totally unimportant and vice versa, so you tend disagree easily over small things.

◎In romance, you are easily attracted to someone you admire in your heart, but you often end up empty-handed because you are too shy to go after him. Generally speaking, men do not have deep first impression of you, so they need time to discover your inner beauty. You, however, tend to like a person at the first sight. Therefore, if you are still waiting for a good romance, try to show your inner beauty by doing more activities, establishing better habits, and socializing with more people. This way you can express your inner beauty naturally all the time, which makes your romance go more smoothly.

In the journey of life, your romantic or marriage partner might be introduced by relatives and friends, or through matchmaking. You tend to be inexperienced in love, unable to express yourself, and do not know how to actively pursue someone without being too sticky or giving up easily. You have opportunities but are afraid to get hurt, so eventually it is not easy for you to have the spark of love. If you are still seeking your love partner don't rush because someone nearby likes you, so as long as you sincerely give a little hint, the happiness is right beside you.

◎Career and Wealth Analysis: You know how to make money, but it is not easy for you to hold onto your money.

◎According to your destiny analysis, you know how to make money, but it is not easy for you to hold onto your money. Your life is more philosophical, so you are not stingy with yourself, family or friends. You spend what you have even when you are financially tight, and are generous when you are financially comfortable. Because of this, it's not easy for you to save your money.

In addition, you maybe convinced easily by friends to make some financial investments that cause you to lose money. You like to make many friends, so you easily lose money if you cannot evaluate risk or reject people when they approach you for investment. You will spend most of your wealth doing things you want to do throughout life because you consider only money spent as the wealth actually owned by you. Afterwards, you will bequest most of your wealth to your descendants.

thinking out loud at 12:51 AM 0 more thots


Friday, June 23, 2006

good as gold?

so irritated trying to upload my video. site maintenance when i was halfway thru uploading! i really don't go well with technology.
crap. =0(

bleah. shall think of how to spend the weekend. sian.

oh fren sent this to me.. quite cool..look at the diff interpretations of the colours behind ur birthdate.

If your birthday is on......

January 2nd ~ January 11th = Orange
January 12th ~ January 24th = Yellow
January 25th ~ February 3rd = Pink
February 4th ~ February 8th = Blue
February 9th ~ February 18th = Green
February 19th ~ February 28th = Brown
March 1st ~ March 10th = Aqua
March 11th ~ March 20th = Lime
March 21st = Black
March 22nd ~March 31st = Purple
April 1st ~ April 10th = Navy
April 11th ~ April 20th = Silver
April 21st ~ April 30th = White
May 1st ~ May 14th = Blue
May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold
May 25th ~ June 3rd= Cream
June 4th ~ June 13th = Grey
June 14th ~ June 23rd = Maroon
June 24th = Grey
June 25th ~ July 4th = Red
July 5th ~ July 14th = Orange
July 15th ~ July 25th = Yellow
July 26th ~ August 4th = Pink
August 5th ~ August 13th = Blue
August 14th ~ August 23rd = Green
August 24th ~ September 2nd = Brown
September 3rd ~ September 12th = Aqua
September 13th ~ September 22nd = Lime
September 23rd = Olive
September 24th ~October 3rd = Purple
October 4th ~ October 13th = Navy
October 14th ~ October 23rd = Silver
October 24th ~ November 11th = White
November 12th ~ November 21st = Gold
November 22nd ~ December 1st = Cream
December 2nd ~ December 11th = Grey
December 12th ~ December 21st = Maroon
December 22nd = Teal
December 23rd~ January 1st = Red


*RED* Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love...and liked to be loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be "moody" at times. Capable with people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people that are easy to talk to and can make you feel comfortable.
*CREAM* Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You are trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully, and don't fall in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go for a long time.
*TEAL* You are mostly interested in your looks. And have high standards in picking love. You think and make a solution precisely, and hardly make stupid mistakes. You like to lead and it is easy for you to make new friends.
*GREY* You are attractive and active. You never hide your feelings and express everything that's inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be noticed, and don't like to be treated unequally. You can brighten up someone's day. You know what to say at the right time and you have good sense of humor.
*GREEN* You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words... You like to be loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single, waiting for the right person.
*GOLD* You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and out going. It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.
*PINK* You are always trying your best in everything, and like to help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale.
*YELLOW* You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people and have a strong leadership towards relationships. You make good decision and make the right choice at the right time. And always dreaming of a romantic relationship.
*MAROON*You are intelligent and know what's right. You like to make things go your way, which can sometimes cause trouble for not thinking about other people's feelings. But you're patient when it comes to love. Once you get a hold of the right person, it's hard for you to find a better love.
*ORANGE* You are responsible for your own actions, and you know how to treat people. You always have goals to reach and you really work hard to get there, you are competitive. Your friends are really important to you and you appreciate what you have. You sometimes over react because you are sensitive.
*PURPLE* You are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be sad or happy depending on your mood. You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times, and forget things easily. You go for a person that's trustworthy.
*LIME* You are calm, but easily stressed out. You get jealous easily, and complain over little things. You can't get stuck into one thing, but you have a capable personality for everyone to trust you and like you.
*SILVER* You are imaginative and fun, you love trying new things. You like to challenge yourself and you learn things easily, you're easy to talk to and you give good advice. When it comes to friendship, you find it hard to trust someone, but once you find the right friend, you trust them forever.
*BLACK* You are challenging, and have the "guts". But you don't like changes in your life. And once you make a decision, you keep it that way for a long time. Your love life is also challenging, and different.
*OLIVE* You are warm and light hearted. You seem to flow well with friends and family. You don't like violence and know what's right. You are kind and cheerful, people that are easy to talk but don't envy other people easily.
*BROWN* You are active and sportive. It's hard for other people to become close with you, but you fall in love easily. But once you find out you can't get something, you give up and let go easily.
*BLUE* You may have low self-esteem, and can be very picky. You are artistic and like to fall in love, but you let your love pass by, by loving with your mind, not your heart.
*NAVY* You are attractive, and love your life. You have a strong feeling towards everything. And very easily distracted. Once you get angry at someone, its hard for you to forgive them.
*WHITE* You dream and have goals in your life. You get jealous easily and you don't react to things easily. You are different and sometimes weird, but everyone loves that in you.
*AQUA* Your feelings change suddenly and easily. You are always lonely, and like traveling. You are truthful, but listen and believe other people too easily!! It's hard to find love for you, and get lost in love easily. Sometimes get hurt by love.

thinking out loud at 2:10 PM 0 more thots


weekend..u're finally here..but..

friday morning, it started to pour
the onslaught of the rain
never once ceased.
just relentlessly hit upon the earth, on my window, on me.

after the rain comes the sun
so they say.
after the rain, the rainbow promises
but after the rain
the clouds stayed.

then it rained on and on and on.
i dream of rain
not just for the relief it brings
not just for the cleansing it does

but i dream of rain
that lifts the heart
that gives birth to life
that brings back the sun.

everything has its time and place
everyone has her role and space
really?
like a minute out of time
like a frond in bitter winter frost
like coral fish out of water
like butterflies in space

so where did tat sun go?
how can u soak up the sun
when there just isn't any sun?
*shrug* use a torchlight?

thinking out loud at 9:55 AM 0 more thots


Thursday, June 22, 2006

weekend..u're finally here..

apart from a few perverted moments (by someone..urgh), the day was pretty ok. had another home cooked meal at mich's place, ta bao-ed the rest for lunch tom hahah. porridge, mei cai, egg, fish. super full man. and got a free ride home too!! eheheh thanks hon.

tom's finally friday..it seems like the week sped past..tho monday passed by really slowly. been a really tiring week too cos i haven't slept well. then again wats new? hahah haven't slept well in ages anyways! heh.

its the 22nd of the month..a special date..u noe how there are some dates in a month tat mean something to u? like for me, 14th is a special day, cos my bdae falls on the 14th. 25, 27, 16 also mean alot to me. wonder which other date will be on the list?

anyways..nice song to share..fr a nice show grey's anatomy..time to dl it to watch at night.

The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin
Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
Can't get my mind off of you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

argh i hate it when these song writers are right. cos i still miss u much. it seems tat i have to keep thinking about other things like work, cos the moment i don't, i think of you. like the dinners we had, the places we checked out (or even the ppl we checked out haha) etc etc so much so tat i'm starting to think i'm abnormal whahahah.
ok, welcome to the weekend everyone! its finally friday!

thinking out loud at 11:11 PM 0 more thots


sights, sounds and tastes of hk

gosh i jus spent tons of time uploading the pics and i can't find them!! so i have to re upload the damn things. grrr. anyways heres wat happened in hk. i'll prob update my vt pages in a bit. hahha when i have time.
.the signs at the mtr.

.more signs of hk.

.ocean park adventure.

.tasting the tastes of hk (char siew paos are good too).

mingling with the stars. *swoon*

excuse the photoshopping. not very pro yet but heheh i'm still learning!
and finally!! FINALLY i managed to upload the video!!

Presenting..lil miss panda from No 1, Ocean Park Amusement Park, #01-01, Panda Habitat (the left side), Hong Kong (with aircon please.. thanks)

where the screen suddenly shakes is where i couldn't control my laughter. hehhe. very cute lor, then she jus dangles her paws while in tat postion, doing her own thing, blissfully frozen in her very comfy spot, absolutely unaware of the laughter she has caused.

thinking out loud at 5:07 PM 0 more thots


searchin' my soul

kinda forgot to think of yesterday's happy incident. hmmm i think it'll have to be squashing with mun, hahah cos we had a few good (continuous) games, while we were adjusting to using a heavy racket. heheheh. by the end of it we were alll so tired, arms aching and all!! then had country pie which totally helped me put back watever calories i lost during the game. *oops*

then mom was sick yest. quite bad. think food poisoning. couldn't walk, had to bend double over, kept throwing up and all tat. =0(

this morning on the way to work..saw something very sad. there was this lady with abt 3 kids with her. one of them, a girl of abt 7 was not happy about something. think she didn't wan to go somewhere. then while they were waiting for a cab, the complaints from the lil girl got louder, and think she was abt to throw a tantrum. but after tat, the lady took off one of her slippers and threw it at the girl. the girl tried to dodge but i didn't see if she did. but i saw the girl forced to pick up the slipper lying on the floor.

i was damn shocked and abit disgusted at the way she treated the girl. i won't throw anything at my daughter, or even a dog or cat or anything for tat matter. its jus simply disrespectful. as bad as slapping i think. isn't there anyting else she could have done? i guess at tat moment she was too harrassed by the other kids or watever was on her mind. but it was jus uncalled for i feel.

i mean, its gonna be a vicious cycle. the girl is going to grow up thinking its normal, and ok to do such things. when its not. and she just might repeat this behaviour with her kids. and it goes on and on again.


i don't know wat sort of a parent i'd be. or if i even want to or have the chance to. but, i don't think i'd slap, or throw things at my kid. scolding, smacking, i think its still acceptable as long as u don't get carried away, anddont get personal on the child. as long as the child understands (hard tho) tat the scolding or punishment is really for their own good, or it actually does add value to their morals and character.


while kids shld be showered with tender loving care, they shld also be dealt with a firm hand sometimes so that they don't get out of line. but most importantly they shld learn fr their parents the ways of the world. and learn how to deal with both the good and bad of the world as best as the experiences of their parents can teach them.


as parents, they shld impart to their kids not only the theories, but realities of the world, painting the real pic, without adding too much frills to make it seem like things are all fine and good, yet letting their kids know how bad things can get. and as parents, they shld let their kids know that they will always always be there for their kids, be it if they need advice, a listening ear, permission, watever, and the kids will know that parents will be there really listening to them in as objective a manner as possible.


parenting has changed radically over the generations..jus look at ur parents' relationship with their parents..and look at ur own..and then look at how u'd do it..but then again when u're in the midst of things, most of the time u can't control the things u do..tho most of the things u do wrong are unintentional.. and cos its a type of human to human interaction, its subject to the irrationalities of human nature. moods, emotions, feelings, etc etc etc


sounds tough isn't it? parenting is probably the toughest job on earth. and its one job where your resume doesn't matter at all. and its a job u'd never really know if u've done it right or wrong.

thinking out loud at 1:39 PM 0 more thots


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

just before lunch

Heard this over the radio while driving back fr the airport last night.. always liked the tune, but never really heard the lyrics til then. isn't it amazing how some songs just express what you are going thru? well, not 100% of course, but even 70 or 80% is enough.

Lets wait awhile by Janet Jackson
There's something I want to tell you
There's something I think that you should know
It's not that I shouldn't really love you
Let's take it slow
When we get to know each other
And we're both feeling much stronger
Then let's try to talk it over
Let's wait awhile longer
Let's wait awhile before it's too late
Let's wait awhile before we go too far
Remember that special night
When all of the stars where shining bright
We made our first endeavor
To stay together
We made our very first promise
To love, to share, and be real honest
But on that very first night
It wasn't quite right
Let's wait awhile before it's too late
Let's wait awhile, our love will be great
Let's wait awhile before we go too far
I didn't really know not to let all my feelings show
To save some for later so our love can be greater
You said you would always love me
Remember I said the same thing too
You don't have to be frightened with my love
Because I'll never give up on you
Let's wait awhile, awhile before it's too late
You know you can't rush love
Let's just take our time
With love so good, we shouldn't rush it

i remember that night.. do you? =0)

thinking out loud at 12:37 PM 0 more thots


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

20062006

interesting date it is today, thanks to my fren who brought it to my attention. thanks babe!

heh, this month seems filled with such cool dates.

anyways, had chats with bosses over the past 2 days figuring out company structure, cos we're starting up a branch here, and my colleagues are leaving..

so..it was kinda decided tat i relinquish my marketing duties, and take up distributor relations and training. on top of my pdt development of course. i have no idea how i'm going to cope. its kinda exciting, yet its a scary thot. i'm not quite sure where i'd be headed to, but thanks to some great advice last night, i've decided to stay on for a bit..til a more appropriate time so i'd have more bargaining power. 10q u!

in the meantime, changes are due. the winds are stirring, sail is picking up, but hopefully to a destination enroute to the one i'm meant for. change is a scary thing isnt it? and we can only hope that the change is only for the better.

had a great dinner today (and got a free meal heheh), met another 2 frens (one of whom has significantly less hair hahha but look good la ok dun worry whahhaha), and then after tat met yet another fren who was also a fren of the fren i met earlier. hahha wat a coincidence! also got a very sweet card from an equally sweet girl today, who also brought very nice bfast for me cos she knew i liked the rolls fr breeks. thank you honey!

heard sad story fr fren, abt a guy's mom who jumped fr depression after the dad passed away. *sigh* tats really tough to have to go thru.

quite tired out from all tat talking, discussing and travelling ard..but in about 20mins i've gotta get to the airport (again) and be a dutiful and responsible granddaughter and cousin. i guess i'm just glad they're back safe and sound.

yep so today, i'm thankful for all the company i've had, all the laughter, all the calls and smses i got today, cos they remind me tat i'm really lucky to have all of u by my side.

thinking out loud at 11:35 PM 0 more thots


Monday, June 19, 2006

And today is.....

Ok time to take stock of the day's events.

Happy incident 1) Had quite a few good laughs in the office today, wat with boss trying out our new pdts, the toilet incident, and my dear colleague being super ticklish abt underwear

Happy incident 2) Met up with my frens! yes, i was being a delivery woman, but i had fun talking to my aunt and uncle, a great home cook dinner courtesy of mich's mom (inclusive of tigger's saliva), funny moments with car n tj, n just really happy and excited to see him tho i somehow managed to scrape my car tyre against a kerb. ehehe heng not tat noticeable on the car. it was just great meeting all of them cos i missed them so much! boss was right afterall..how to send me overseas to work for months at a stretch when i got homesick just after 5 days in hk? hehhe

Happy incident 3) glad to noe my fren is having a good bdae with his gf, and Happy Birthday to you once again ya!

Sad incident 1) another colleague of mine tendered today.. =0( i'll miss working with her.. cos she cheers everyone up ard her, and she's always got great ideas. but still glad for her too, cos maybe its a step closer to wat she was meant to be doing. but in 10 days, there wil be only 3 from the original 5 left..in 30 days, there will just be 2 left.. =0(((

Sad incident 2) big boss thot i wasn't doing work.. kenna blamed for the lack of movement in the pdts dept in indonesia..

Happy incident 4) my own boss knows i do my work, and stood up for me, as he usually does. then jus had chats with them on msn abt work and stuff. but mostly nonsense tat was actually quite funny. hahha

Overall incident report: 4 Happy vs 2 Sad = Happy! (only 1 exclaimation mark cos sad incident 1 is really quite sad..tis a sad day afterall..) but its a happily sad, sadly happy day.

thank you, whoever you are, for making it so.

thinking out loud at 11:49 PM 0 more thots


whahhahah

Super funny just now!!
boss' brother came to our office for meeting. so halfway thru he wanted to go toilet.
now, when we girls want to go to the ladies, we have to go and take a toilet key so tat we can open the door. guys don't have to do tat. they don't need to be protected anyways.
so this guy comes out and heads straight for the toilet key.
all of us who saw couldn't believe it. the poor guy went off to the toilet amidst controlled expressions. but then i started to snigger which set off a whole chain reaction in the whole office.
HAHAHAHAH!!

thinking out loud at 5:38 PM 0 more thots


Part 1, 2, 3, 4

Read this somewhere, thot it made sense, so thot i'd share this. kinda lengthy tho..hahha. but it made me think twice, even 3 times abt wat i've done, and wat i'll do next time round. there's more where this came from, jus extracted and typed in excerpts here and there, cos i'm tired. anyways...

- Part 1 -

Its time for a reality check.

You're only human and you make mistakes.

You also hurt others.

Although its hard to admit, you hurt others intentionally, and you hurt them the most when you deny tat you did it.

Your parents weren't perfect. they weren't always wise, giving and understanding,

Your parents weren't complete monsters or total idiots either. they did the best as they saw tat best from their view point.

just like you.

In your most recent disagreement, you were partly wrong, even if you didn't want to admit it.

you can be petty when you are insecure, totally withholding when you doubt yourself, and hateful, unsupportive and vengeful when u feel desperate.

You are also capable of being brave, giving, loving, understanding and compassionate.

whatever you are, just admit it.

admit ur humanness, its always a sign of strength.

-Part 2 -

The surest way to become unhappy is to keep your hurt inside.

If there is a secret to mental health, this is it: tell the people who hurt you they hurt you when they hurt you.

Hurt is the pain of the moment. Hurt is happening right now. Its cause is right in front of you. Hurt speaks for itself, motivating you to limit your pain.

Withheld hurt turns into anger. Anger helps you express your hurt by energizing you to protect yourself.

When you hold in hurt, you redirect your anger at yourself. It serves no positive purpose. It only makes you think of getting even, fills your head with bad thoughts, and erodes your self confidence as you begin to doubt yourself.

Obviously the only anger that makes sense is still attached to the hurt that caused it.

You need to learn to express your hurt as it happens.

Telling someone how he or she hurt you can be risky, because the person who hurt you is probably someone you care about.

What if the other person says he or she hurt you out of anger because of being hurt by you? Its a good time to discover the truth, clear the air, and become friends again.

What if the other person can't remember hurting you or simply denies that the hurtful event ever took place?

He or she may be teling the truth, because most people do not hurt others intentionally. When you are silent, it is sometimes hard for others to recognize that you’ve been hurt.

Expressing your hurt sometimes puts your love or friendship on the line. It always tests your love for yourself.

It is always the right thing to do in any relationship that you value.

Express your hurt as simply and as directly as possible when you first notice it.

Tell the other person how you were hurt. You can mention that you are angry, but don't display the anger or attack. That will only hurt the other person, who won’t be able to listen, making things worse.

Whatever you do, don't allow your hurt to age.

If you cannot express your hurt to another person, you cannot express your love, for old anger blocks positive feelings.

If you value your love, you need to express your hurt.

Holding in hurt is the way that love dies.

- Part 3 -

Anger is the memory of being hurt.

Being angry is just proof that you didn't complete the job of expressing your hurt when it first occurred

You're responsible for speaking your feelings, but expressing anger is always a problem. Its hard to express anger without hurting someone else. The best way to express anger is to show your hurt.

If you push away your feelings to protect yourself, you become less real, less connected to your best. Even if you conceal your pain, you still act hurt and angry. You become sensitive to hurt and you seem irritable with others. Your hidden feelings speak indirectly.

Protecting another person from your hurt and angry feelings is just another way of alienating them. The longer you protect them, the more alienated you will feel.

After a while, you won't feel joy in the right places, and when others ask what is wrong, you won't even be able to begin to tell them. It will seem like such a complicated old story.

You need to be free of anger to love. When love is coated with anger, it doesn't feel like love. When anger is coated with love, it still feels like the anger.

-Part 4-

When a dark memory returns, don't fight it.

Permit the intrusion without regret.

Let the memory or old feeling have its way with you.

The sadness of a lost love, a rebuke or betrayal, or a hurt that cut deeply left you wounded. It returns, takes your breath away, gives you pause.

Measure the depth of the hurt, but from the safe distance time provides.

Know that because the hurt is past, the resentment will cool.

Don't push the painful feeling or memory away.

If you let it through without resisting it, it will pass.

Push it away and it wil build, seeking the expression it needs to relieve the old pressure.

That is the way of old pain, pressing to the surface til it fades. Old pain comes in waves.

How can u stop a wave?

Ride the reappearance of your old emotions, but don't try to hold them back. You'll use up your energy, lose faith in yourself, doubt your strength and wholeness and ruin your day.

Let the old hurt pass, acknowledging all that it means, and in a moment, it will be gone. The hurt is diminished, and so is the likelihood of return.

The moment is returned to you.
~by david viscott

thinking out loud at 12:32 AM 0 more thots