Tuesday, May 30, 2006

the many faces of you

sometimes, i just feel like dropping everything and just running away. run to somewhere i love, somewhere tats safe, somewhere tats happy. jus drop everything else on hand, and jus leave it all behind. emotional me says: lets go! screw it all! just do it! so sick and tired already! but then logical me takes over and gives me a full length lecture on responsibilities, wats-right-and-wats-not, blah blah blah until emotional me meekly gives in and just hides off somewhere.

how do u balance logic and emotion? its so weird cos i'm really emotional, and yet i can be so practical and down to earth it makes me seem cold and unfeeling. but is it that i'm jus a contradiction of characters? or is it that i've just learnt to hide emotional me beneath layers and layers of concealment? i really have no idea. don't u envy people who are able to freely express exactly how they feel to everyone? or really don't have a care in the world? but how many people are really happy under their seemingly cheery and upbeat masks?

i guess everyone dons on a mask almost all their lives. we become skilled actors and actresses in our own play, masters of an art form, cept tat at times it seems tat we aren't the ones producing or directing it. cos more often than not, the other characters, stage crew,etc involved in the theatrics have a say in how this play shld be carried out, and usually this changes the whole course of things, no matter how big, or small, significant, or minute.

but at which point are we truly being ourselves? without having to consider others, worrying about the next line, fussing about our appearances, or putting up even more layers of makeup? when do we actually take off our masks, remove all that makeup, to reveal to other people who we truly are? and not who we try to make ourselves seem to be?
guess that we will never be totally rid of our masks. not even when we are alone and by ourselves. cos sometimes, we ourselves live in denial. we try to make ourselves believe certain things to maybe make ourselves feel bettter? to convince ourselves that what we did was right? to boost our own self esteem? i dunno. maybe there are somethings tat we aren't exactly proud of, or something embarrassing tat we want to hide? and so we don't even dare to admit it to ourselves? or that we don't even realise cos its buried so deep inside?

but i guess alot of it has to do with ur childhood..cos that forms the basis of who u are today. and having a not-so-happy childhood..well i guess emotional scars jus get carried over..continually hurting, recovering, healing, wounding, unless u find it in u to let go of the past. but of course, that is easier said than done..if i knew how to, i would have done so long ago.

then u realise as u grow older..the less free spirited u become, the more jaded, cynical, and controlled u are... and in the end, not many people know you for you, unless of course they've known u way before all this cynicism and masks, where more of your true self used to shine through.

so instead of time healing all, maybe its more like time dilutes all, and lets u cover up whatever has happened with bandages, plasters, and maybe even a skin graft. if pushed or forced, this 'plastic surgery' becomes a hurried and botched job. but if given enough time, the job is so perfect, that u can't even tell the real from the fake. (just thot of all the boob and botox jobs we see on tv everyday wahhaha)

but u get my point. it never really heals. it jus sits there, latent, hidden, until someday, someone realises that it is but a false front, a counterfeit (something like how european airline personnel are trained to tell the difference from the real LV bags from the fake so that they can fine you), and then once again, u're exposed, vulnerable, naked, with no where to hide until u find yet another mask to be behind.

now just where did i put that mask?

thinking out loud at 10:00 AM


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