Thursday, May 25, 2006

random bits off my head

how much of our past do we carry forward? my answer is that, well, we carry all of it forward. its jus a matter of how much we let history affect the present or future thats all. no matter how hard you try to put the past behind you, it'll definitely catch up with you one day.

i carry alot of my past around, and its definitely one heavy load i get tired of carrying along sometimes. which was probably why we felt right together, cos i could sometimes 'offload' some of this rubbish and take a breather. cos i guess he was one person whom i trusted enough to want to open up to. but maybe this opening up was too little, too late. when u're friends with someone and u open up, tats one issue. but when u get together with someone and want to open up, i guess its different, cos its kinda like getting to know the person all over again. its in many ways like getting out of your comfort zone, cos there's simply too much at stake too. cos when u let go of yourself and start to love wholeheartedly, u yourself become more fragile and vulnerable. as u can tell, this transition from 'me' to 'us' wasn't that easy for me.

i'm not so much of a 'live in the past' sort, nor am i the sort to really 'plan for the future', simply because i live in the present and much of me is spent actually living out the present. while i hope for better things in the future, or reminisce on the past, the present is where i really belong in. and the present refers to the very moment i am in at that particular point in time.

guess i'll never understand why u chose this path, to let 'us' go at this point in time. i do understand to a certain extent why we need to take this path, and yet sometimes i don't quite. i just know that i love being with you, and jus simply want to be with you. i just want to walk down this section of my road with you. but why do things btwn us always have that complicated twist to it? maybe its just the way it is. my friend said tat if it were simple and uncomplicated, won't it be so boring? hahha warped i know, and while i'd rather not sufffer this pain, i know tat wat she meant was that i'd have something to look back fondly on, to laugh at silly me (and u), which will put that slight smile on our faces, knowing tat wat we shared was special. and she's right. i already do.

the past 2 nights, i've been haunted by dreams, or you might call them nightmares. not the sort where u wake up suddenly to discover you were crying, or feel so scared, but the sort tat just isn't happy. i'm really bad at recalling dreams so unless u're really free, don't ask. haha. cos i can picture it in my head, but yet i'm unable to articulate it into words.

how much of yourself do u really understand? does understanding yourself really help? yes to a certain extent. but there are sooo many other situations and incidences waiting out there to catch you unaware or to bring out yet another side to you, so i guess u yourself really won't know yourself that well after all. Guess the only thing you can do would be to predict.

but i understand myself enough to know that i'm prone to screwing up. maybe even coming onto this earth is my screw up. maybe i was meant to be elsewhere, or someone else, but cos i screwed up i'm now here and paying for it. 'divine retribution' as my HR lecturer once put it. and now, i'm wondering wat else i screwed up. did i screw up by starting a blog? did i screw up by acting the way i did? did i screw up by being influenced by others? should i have followed my heart? did i screw up by changing? by not realising things went wrong soon enough? by still refusing to let go 100%? by still wishing and wishing that time can turn back always? u might wonder why i beat myself up abt such seeminly minute and unimportant questions, but still, these are some of the countless things running thru my head when i think. which is why writing lets me put these thoughts out, and helps me remember wat i thot, cos otherwise these fleeting and yet nagging thots will never be remembered for wat they are worth. although in a matter of time, these will fade, and be of no consequence to anyone, not even me.

but for now, i'm still lost in time and space, like a kite trying very hard to find my anchor, which can help me find some constancy, stability, security and reassurance, and yet give me the freedom, flexibility, ability and courage to fly, soar, and reach straight up so that we can sit amongst the stars.

thinking out loud at 7:39 AM


Comments:
A Song for you -

Tell everyone I'm On my way
New Friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead Yes
I'm on my way
And there's nowhere else
that I's rather be

Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I'm loving every step I take
With the sun beating down Yes
I'm on my way
And I can't keep this smile off my face

'Cause there's nothing like seeing each other again
No matter what the distance between
And the stories that we tell
will make you smile
Oh it really lifts my heart

So tell 'em all I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
And to sleep under the stars
Who could ask for more
With the moon keeping watch over me

Not the snow, not the rain
can change my mind
Ther sun will come out, wait and see
And the feeling of the wind in your face
can lift your heart
Oh there's nowhere I would rather be

'cause I'm on my way now ...
well and truly
I'm on my way now...
# posted by Blogger Mun : 11:12 AM
 
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