Thursday, June 08, 2006

keep dry

Its not a good idea to drive when u have a headache or when u cant see clearly. Had a throbbing headache and didn't bother changing out of my specs cos had the urge to just get out of the house. Bad idea.

Went for a wake. A distant relative, yet still part of the family. Was fighting back tears as I was trying to comfort my gran. Tried hard not to cry but my heart broke to see her cry like that. Guess I succeeded. For the 2nd time, I didn't cry at a funeral. The first was during my granddad's. I didn't cry, not because I wasn't sad. But then the tears just weren't coming out. Distinctly rem mom asking me why I didn't cry. I just didn't.

maybe cos in a way I was glad he had moved on. To another part of his 'life'. Guess 'journey' might be a better word tho. Guess that was why I didn't cry today. Cos my relative had cancer. After suffering for 2 years, its jus as well he moved on to a place with no pain. His 80 yr old dad must have been heart broken. I listened as he recounted the last few days. My relative didn’t want to have anything to eat. Cept handmade noodles cos his mom was great at making noodles. So the 80yr old man painstakingly made noodles with his bare hands just because his son wanted to have some.

The son who lay motionless, lifeless and still. Who was but a skeleton of his former self. Cold, ashen, stiff. I hope his spirit has moved on. I wonder where it moved to? But I'm glad it moved out of its disease ridden physical shell. Because it wasn't meant to be trapped there.

I watched everyone around me at the wake. Strangely watchful tho I was tired. There weren't many present. There was also a wide range of emotions there. I wondered wat they were all thinking. I wondered how this death would affect each and everyone of them. I wondered if they'd miss him. I wondered how my grandma knew he was going to pass on. I wondered how it must have felt like to be at your own son's funeral. I wondered who else would attend his wake. I watched, and found tiny signs and cracks people's cool facades. Revealing pain, sadness, regret, strain. All that beneath fake cheerful expressions. I wondered who would attend my funeral. I wondered if I'd fear death.

I don't know tat answer yet. Until I stare death in the eye. But I dun think so. It seems like a voyage of sorts. Death being just another stage. Like birth. Like starting work. Like a long trip. Far far away. Cept hopefully ppl who have yet to join u will miss u lots. Hopefully u won’t miss them that much too. Maybe death is like going home. And life as it is now is jus like us going to work in the day. And at night, we return to where we were meant to. Our haven. or heaven?

I got scared. A picture flashed. The one in the coffin was someone close to me. Like my parents. *touchwood* but hey its possible. And very scary. Because you wont ever get to see that person again. You have but memories. Which you will run over, and over, and over again in your head. You have but regrets. What if? Why didn't i? If only..?

What if it were me in there? Fren and me used to plan our funerals. It seemed like a wedding, cept of a totally different mood. But yiyi was right. Funerals and weddings also serve as reunions, between families, friends. Its jus the mood that differs. But it shldn't take the loss of someone to realize this reunion.

It shouldn't. Its too expensive a reunion this way.

thinking out loud at 12:05 AM


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