Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A lovely spring afternoon--in a crowded college courtyard, a young woman begins to cry. Males and females react with, "Oh, how sad! Poor kid! Maybe her boyfriend was mean to her. She looks so alone! I want to go to her and offer some comfort" .

In the same setting, David stands there, tears suddenly streaming down his face--he tries but fails to stop them. Males and females react with,"Oh, my god! What the hell's his problem? Maybe he needs to see a counselor or psychologist or someone. I feel very nervous near him. I want to go away from him."

We train our children from a very early age that public displays of emotions are very different forboys and girls. A guy can shout and swear in delight or anger at many people in various settings (footballgame, bar, etc.). In general, displays of "softer" emotions are looked down on as weaknesses (like a female). So a male is easily confused with a sentimental emotion suddenly welling up--he is not used to dealing with such a feeling whereas a female is.

Actually, she is much more used to understanding inner emotions and the emotions of others than males are. He much more easily understands strengths than weaknesses. For years of growing up, he has heard people's anger and derision against guys who display embarassing emotions: "He cries like a girl; a man ain't supposed to cry; stop being such a pussy; act like a man; don't be a wimp!"

But even there is a contradiction, maybe many contradictions.

The young man attends the funeral of an aunt or uncle he loved. He stands before the coffin and valiantly holds back tears. Others in the funeral parlor speak out in admiration. "Oh, isn't he strong." Strong? How can fear of expressing an emotion of love be a strength? When people label a fear a strength, even the language they use becomes alien to the human condition.

A guy is enjoying a quick beer with the guys after a hot work day. He says that he is going home--to be with his wife. Other guys look at him like something is very wrong with him. One even speaks out: "What the hell!? What's with you? A guy needs time away from the wife. Are you pussy-whipped?" I did not dream up this example. I got along well with most of the tough guys I worked with in that life-and-death place called Florida State Prison, but they knew I was different. If the guy then stays to protect his image, he diminishes himself; if he goes home, he maintains integrity and self-respect but at a price: the way he appears to the other guys. I believe that a man's character comes from the making of such decisions.'