Sunday, September 03, 2006
easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
its been a week since i last wrote. its been the longest break i've had from blogging since the.. well since i started.
surprisingly, apart from tat lil tearing incident at the airport (see la send me such sweet messages.. we better go for our picnic man!!), didn't feel homesick or anything this time round. none of that eagerness to rush up the plane, none of that relief upon touching down. how strange.
but it was a fruitful trip. i barely spent 50bucks (as in out of my own pocket, we spent quite a bit of brad's money whahhaha), came home (he has an apartment there) at almost 2am everyday til it got to a point where we were trying to figure out how best and diplomatic to tell our hosts tat we didnt want to party and wanted to go home to sleep. how sad.
fruitful cos it did give me a small break from all tat i wanted to. granted, it was mainly cos i was too tired out at night to think of anything, and too caught up in the day's events to have any breathing space. but i kinda liked the busying ard, going here there, talking to ppl to settle stuff with them, cos u see things moving along. and honestly, i felt quite at home in manila, not jus cos i apparently look so pinoy i resemble a (definitely popular) filipino actress. i guess it was cos there was infrastructure already in place, so it took lots less adjustment on my part.
got to noe lots of ppl.. in tat week, i got reacquainted with ppl i was already familiar with, yi, brad and chris, and got to noe lots more ppl who will form an integral part of my working life at hdi. thankfully i've rid of my pinoy accent and yes i've built up my vocab as well, both good and bad. sufficient for me to impress the big shots, enough for me to get along with the rest of the staff at hdi phil.
as with all things work related, politics appear almost everywhere. u see the deference shown by the staff towards brad and chris, u also see it come to play during dinner. we were having dinner with the city administrator of taguig city (he's almost like the prime minister of tat city) and i was standing at the further side from his wife. so yi and me both caught the very slight but unmistakable hand signal from our boss to switch sides so that i'd be the one sitting next to the wifey. he himself sat apart fr brad cos he sat together with the administrator and bigger shots. ah the politics of dinner. all the small talk, exaggerated smiles, the energy that u have to fake out cos its jus not polite to look tired at dinner tho i was ready to konk out. i'm even more convicted now that ppl in the biz of PR have to be truely happy to begin with.
been listening to my ren4 ming4 collection of songs, primarily cos i'm weary of everything or issit just a resigned acceptance of fate? jus like sand fly bites, they irritate and bug u til u cant think of anything other that how it itches, and even tho your skin has a scab from all tat scratching, it still itches like hell, and leaves a scar tat takes forever to heal. so while i could hae used a cream and antihistamine, or used repellent, first of all i gotta accept i've gotten attacked by sandflies, have to live with the itch, and tat the scars will forever be there. silly analogy i noe, but believe me, its more real to me than any other analogy. i'm never going to chip bee again without repellent!
speaking of songs, i also came across a few i'd want played at my wedding. tat is, provided i ever do get married. at most it'd never materialise, but jus as how i plan for my funeral, planning for my wedding might not be tat bad an idea. hey, a girl can always dream isnt it? funny how i'd apparently wanted desiree's kissing you to be my wedding song according to dear friend, but its now been relegated as funeral song no. 3. heh heh. how ironic.
i'm still tired. mentally, physically, esp after going thru self reflection in phil. it was almost like going on another journey. i cant snap out of my moods now. i just can't. not when everything seems to be working against me. not when u've lost faith in yourself. not when you haven't the slightest clue wat in the earth is happening. especially not when you constantly wonder in which direction the next wave will come and knock you off your feet again.
thinking out loud at 9:14 AM
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